The new fall season is upon us television-watchers, and I don’t know about the rest of y’all but I’m personally lactating with anticipation. For the Netflix and Hulu subscribers, the illegal downloaders and streamers, and yes, those of us who actually sit down in front of a television set like they did in the caveman days, this is the most wonderful time of the year. Not only are our favorite shows finally back—meaning our lives once again have purpose, thank God—but a whole new selection of TV shows that maybe-kinda-possibly-could-be a replacement for your soon-to-be-ending favorite show is here.* After looking at the list of upcoming shows from TV Guide, I’ve compiled my own list of what I think these shows are about after only reading their titles. You’re welcome, America.
Almost Human—Fox
Get your tissues ready for this one. Fox Network is teaming up with Norwegian variety show duo Ylvis to produce a weekly docudrama that explores the untapped mysteries of the animal world. Each 30-minute episode features Ylvis as they attempt to communicate with any and all animals. Some highlights of the season include an Argentine tango session with grizzly bears and a bike ride with ostriches. Be sure to tune in if you wish to finally learn the answer to the age old question, “What does the fox say?”
Back in the Game—ABC
A spin-off of the High School Musical series, this musical-comedy takes a huge time leap—about as many years as it takes for one to reach their mid-life crisis—and transports us to the world of failed Broadway and basketball star Troy Bolton. Bolton, now a divorcee and the basketball coach of a group of ragamuffin b-ball players from his old high school, attempts to rekindle the fire of his former glory. There will be music. There will be dancing. But above all, there is absolutely no way this show is making it past episode three.
Betrayal—ABC
Keeping in line with the ABC Network’s other one-word titled shows (Scandal, Revenge, etc.), this heart-thumping, lightening-paced drama will leave you on the edge of your seat in a sweaty mess begging for more. Set in the middle of the American Revolution, we find our protagonist Benedict Arnold stirring up the pot, as one does. Spoiler Alert: He commits a severe act of treason. Plot Twist: He’s half Benedict Arnold, half robot. Historical fiction has never wept so hard.
Cold Justice—TNT
Bring out your parka for this one, kiddies! This dramedy follows the lives of two Alaskan detectives who won’t let a little frostbite get in the way of their crime-fighting and badassery. The story begins when the captain of a crab fishing boat is thrown overboard by one of his men, setting off a chain of related murders and disappearances in the greater Alaska area. Special guest stars may include Cuba Gooding, Jr., who would possibly reprise his role from that one movie that most likely ended his career—Snow Dogs.
Masters of Sex—Showtime
Two virginal teens, played by actors nearing the end of their twenties, decide it’s time to have sex. And lots of it! The hour-long romcomdram follows the sexual journey most wholesome, typical relationships go through—joining the mile-high club and starting an adult film company at college, to name a few. From awkward hand-holding and nose-bumping during makeout sessions, watch these two overcome it all to become Masters of Sex.
Mom—CBS
Are you a new mother? Are you tired of your baby already? Have no fear, Mom is here! This show provides your child with a pseudo-mom, one who will look after your little one and teach it everything from the ABCs to how to tell time, while you take time out of your day to “sleep.” The titular mother is played by none other than America’s grandmother Betty White. Your child is safe in her virtual hands.
The Originals—CW
“It was cool until everyone knew about it” is this tagline of this racy, political drama. The Originals offers a glimpse into a post-apocalyptic world where hipsters are the only surviving species left on the planet after they could not, in spite of popular belief, be killed with fire. As the new presidential elections heat up, will this population be able to overcome their own cool,originality in order to vote for a candidate, any candidate, who everyone has heard of? Tensions are real in this one.
*As if anything could replace the void of your favorite show ending…or stop the tears.
