I have spent my entire academic career trying to think of captivating titles for my papers. I have failed. I turned one in literally today (literally in the real sense not literally in the OMG I just literally took like 1,000 shots in a row literally) and the paper sported the title “Mean Girls – Exclusivity in the International Community”. Not a joke. Very serious. It seems pretty clear that I have a problem when it comes to handing in papers that don’t make my professors roll their eyes at me in a sassy manner. The solution, for once, is not more cowbell. The solution is having more interesting paper topics. Not saying that my paper topics aren’t interesting, because they are, at least if you are weird like me and the EU keeps you up at night because what if it collapses and then all of Europe is thrown into the Dark Ages and who is going to bail them out!? I couldn’t tell you, but I can tell you what I would title my dream papers of the week, proposal included because I am responsible. About important stuff like humor articles.
Water to Wine: A Dangerous Dependency on
Alcohol or Pragmatic Peacekeeping?
In this paper I would address the eternal question: “What Would Jesus Do?”. Generally, the answer is to give his constituents a lot of wine. The dude would sacrifice his own blood for wine, you know? That’s a commitment. I would sacrifice my blood for a nice microbrew, but I wouldn’t share, or anything. So, the next time you are wondering if you should walk all the way to the gym or if you should just stay in bed, think about Jesus, and pour yourself a nice glass of Pinot Noir. It should be known that not even Jesus wants to drink any f**king Merlot.
It’s Stupid To Clarify the Difference Between Sunday and Monday Night Football
I am making a bold move with this paper by just sticking the thesis in the title and hoping no one notices. So, just to be sure I get this straight, Sunday, Monday, and sometimes Thursday nights are all filled with football. This is awesome for everyone who calls themselves American, because there is beer involved and also men hitting each other and that means freedom. But, let’s be real. You do not need to tweet: “Sunday Night Football!!!! Go Pats!!!!!”. You know why? Because we all know it’s Sunday night. You could have just said football. Everyone has way too much homework that they should have done on Friday or Saturday, so there is the “Sunday” part, and it’s dark out, so that pretty much precludes the “night” part. I know it’s not Monday because I didn’t have class today and I spilled some really good General Tso’s chicken on my shirt that I know I didn’t get from the Deece. This generally isn’t annoying until the next night, when the same person tweets “MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!!!”. What I’m saying is, I get it.
I Am Too Poor to Eat Well: The Lily Doyle Story
I don’t know if everyone else saw the Chipotle scarecrow advertisement, but it made me want to curl up into a ball and cry over my new vegan food. Basically there is this cute animated scarecrow and he goes into town and sees all of these cute animated creatures GETTING SLAUGHTERED and it will make you feel like if you ever order another Buffalo Chicken Wrap from the Retreat you are effectively wrenching a cheerful, well-meaning chicken baby away from her loving family and then supplying her with a lifetime of suffering. The only possible reaction to this video is sobbing under your covers while talking on the phone to your Mom who will do her best to convince you you aren’t a bloodthirsty murderer. Which you are.
This all leads me to the point that I can’t afford NOT to be a bloodthirsty murderer. I am too poor to afford any dietary restrictions. Thanks Chipotle, for not even having a location in Poughkeepsie where I can assuage my grief with a nice burrito bowl of suffering baby chicken and rice.
The Importance of Puns in Everyday Life
This one is a relatively simple concept. I’d start with a tail about a dog. This is no ugly dog—in fact, he is so fetching that he wins Best in Show. However, this sets many of his competitor’s tongues a-wagging. The owner of the second place dog has a bone to pick with him! Luckily, eventually the wound heels, and everyone sits, stays, and ends up having a ball.
What Does the Fox Say?
I don’t have a thesis for this one yet. Nor does Yvlis.