Hi, attention everyone, please stop your bickering over cultural appropriation and heteronormativity, Vassar is (maybe) shutting down. No, seriously. This is urgent. I have all the details and facts, and you should read this because I will get them to you promptly and efficiently, as is demonstrated by the next four almost-entirely-related-to-the-subject-at-hand paragraphs.
I was recently having a bad day. This day reached a culminated when I went to UpC and they were out of yogurt for smoothies, a travesty that can be equated to most large scale natural disasters or possibly the moment when you find a stranger’s hair in your food. This has happened like 40% of the times I have been to UpC in my college career. They never have any yogurt. I’m convinced there is a troll who sleeps under the smoothie counter, covered in Nilda’s, spooning massive amounts of yogurt into its mouth. Anyways, this was a really, really, really bad time for them to be lactose free, you know?
While I mourned my lack of a yogurt-ful smoothie, I read the news, because I have convinced myself that doing so is an acceptable form of procrastination by virtue of the fact it is vaguely related to my major. For the record, everything on Buzzfeed, Twitter, and Netflix counts as “news.” Luckily, I have an extraordinarily well-informed Twitter feed, where the completely reliable news source, The Onion, mentioned the government shut-down.
The shut-down seemed, suddenly, directly related to my life. I was concerned about the government in a way that I haven’t been concerned about anyone since I watched my mother perform a lip sync of Pink’s “Get The Party Started”.
For those of you who didn’t immediately develop a burning desire at 1:00 a.m. to learn all you could about the shut-down, here is a quick summary: Government workers who are considered “non-essential” (oooooooooh, burn) will be going home without pay. Like the people who collect garbage in DC, whom I’m PRETTY SURE the government is going to want back almost immediately, but that’s just me. Maybe the House of Representatives has always wanted to go dumpster diving but never found one big enough. People who the government thinks are “essential” will continue working, also without pay. It kind of sucks to be essential. There are other “important” things too, like National Parks closing or something about “Obamacare.” Over it.
I’d like to return your attention to my main point, which is the lack of yogurt in my smoothie, and my immediate jump to the conclusion that Vassar is shutting down, much like our big, dysfunctional brother in Washington. Let me make this clear for you. UpC doesn’t have yogurt when I am sad. Therefore, Vassar has ceased to function. GUYS, THIS IS BREAKING NEWS. IT’S URGENT, DIDN’T I TELL YOU THAT EARLIER? Try to stay focused, please. Try to stop being concerned about trivial things like midterms or your emotional health because UpC didn’t have enough yogurt last night and so it’s probable Vassar is closing.
I’m not really sure what the consequences of a full Vassar shut-down are. All non-essential personnel will have to leave, so that probably includes whoever dry cleans all of Cappy’s scarves, the desk workers at the AFC, and also the Quidditch team. Sorry guys. At least you get to go hang out in your dorm room until the school starts functioning again. The Barefoot Monkeys and Squash teams are going to have to keep at their daily grind, without pay, until the school gets back on track.
As for classes, those will just stop. At least, I’m pretty sure. I just haven’t been going, because it seems silly to walk to campus and have people be like “Duh, Lily, Vassar shut down, didn’t you notice the lack of yogurt in UpC?” And then I’ll look silly.
Anyways, to sum up my BREAKING NEWS, Vassar is closed; the Kiosk is probably still open; UpC doesn’t have yogurt; Washington DC is covered in trash; the new Modern Family made me cry when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. You’re welcome.