You may think (based on my two previous Humor and Satire articles) that I am delving too deeply into the fearful depths of “sexual promiscuity” and “alcoholism.” Classic mix up, friends. You are thinking of someone else. Maybe that kid from fellow group year who you only see off campus.
Dear friends, not to worry. Seriously, R-E-L-A-X, dudes. It’s Senior Year (Yes, when I celebrate Senior Year, I imagine that the campus celebrates with me). That means you have absolutely nothing to worry about. We all have several more months before habits turn into “problems.”
Any fears you have, put them to rest. Worst case scenario: you leave Vassar and you’re still glugging gin and tonics while awkwardly avoiding hookups. Is that a problem? No. Because you’ll be too busy at your high-paying executive position. You’ll be too busy for alcoholism, and you definitely won’t have time for sex. Take my future, for example. Post-college, my week will be spent designing wacky hats for Dolce & Gabbana, conducting hard-hitting interviews on 60 Minutes, and doing yogalates with Cappy. So, not to worry, my little kumquats.
Speaking of post-graduate work, I know some people are a “little” stressed. Seniors (and Victorian Studies majors alike) are concerned they might not be able to get a job after graduation. Guys, not to worry. I have helpfully compiled a list of three positions that you are basically guaranteed. Forget the online fairs, forget the desperate emails to that distant cousin who had an internship at Buzzfeed, and stop “applying” yourself in class. It’s senior year, so chill your shit, paste this article to your wall and meet me at Babycakes at 5 for happy hour.
#1: Go work for The New York Times. They have too many jobs available. You don’t need a resume, application, anything. Just go to the website, find an article, and leave a comment with your name, useless major field and your correlate. They love a good “minor” over at NYT, especially when it is unrecognizable because NO ONE USES THE TERM CORRELATE. Essentially, all they are looking for is the Vassar degree. When researching the position, I discovered that the good people over at The New York Times are actively searching for someone they can set up in a classy-ass apartment on the upper East side, fund to go to bars and Broadway shows, who is willing to sample the recipes for the Food & Dining section.
#2: If you are more “science”-minded, just BE a doctor. I’m taking a Sociology class about Health, Medicine, and Public Policy—and what I’ve learned is that all you need is a lot of time and the internet. You don’t need a “degree” or “practice.” Find the website WebMD, and get cracking! Hole up on the quad and practice diagnosing conditions. You will be golden. From personal experience (Lucy of Peanuts fame can back me up), if you set up a stand and ask for money- people will take your advice. If you can wrangle a stethoscope or some kind of white coat, you are even more primed for a debt-free, highly successful future medical practice.
#3: What if you don’t enjoy New York City, posing for pictures, wearing white coats, or reading WebMd? Ever heard of Henry Sloss? He’s my dad. He retired from teaching Humanities a couple of years ago and now he’s offering an internship. You can weed tomatoes in his garden, laugh at his jokes and watch Game of Thrones with my Mom for a couple years. Get your foot in the door of the Sloss family. It’s not something to shake your head at. More experienced people than yourselves would kill to get this kind of an exclusive position. It’s only because of my connection to Henry Sloss (familial) that I’ve even heard about the job. Also, he needs an accompanist to sing “Blurred Lines” with him since my mom won’t do it. Because it is a rape song. Anyways. This position won’t be up on LinkedIn anytime soon, that’s for damn sure. You’re welcome, Vassar public.
There you have it. Take off your beanies, kick your Keds off, and drink the mason jar’s unidentifiable contents—you’ve earned it. A career in NYC, as a qualified practitioner, or an internship with the greatest family alive is right around the corner. If you’re lucky, maybe Papa Sloss will make you one of his famous pasta dishes for your first day—the one with the bacon? So f***ing good.