Actual and imagined Yelp reviews of Vassar College

Actual Yelp reviews of Vassar College

5 Stars–A million people (4) thought Yelp was a place to write the entire story of their time at Vassar, which is great, but not the place for this; also who cares you’re not special unless you’re Meryl (P.S. Please be our speaker I wrote a song for you when I was 7).

3 Stars–“I’d give it four stars if the gossip server was still functioning and five stars if it gave me anything besides a nasty case of the clap.” A winner of the brutal honesty with a touch of humor award, my new hero, and not even under a pseudonym. From 2008.

3 Stars–Someone who took Yelp very literally and gave a scathing and ethnically profiling review of the Deece and the workers, spelled Wednesday “Wensendays” and also later thought Roman Czula’s name is Carl, and confusing the two of them is like confusing…. two things that really shouldn’t be confused because they are so different.

4 Stars–(About the Library) “It is like being in the church / library from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (the one where he found the buried knight).” …okay.  “Ahhh yeshhh Juniah, a clashic schene” said sarcastic Sean Connery.

5 Stars–“Kudos to this school! Admitted my daughter!” As lovely as that is, that isn’t a review, that’s just a “yay!” and an incidental occurrence. But really, I’m so happy for you. And for me, I go here too. Kudos all around!

3 Stars–“Lovely campus, right in Poughkeepsie, huge opportunity for polemics. Pretty girls, gorgeous dudes, wish you would speak up more in metaphysics.” (Lookin at you, probably one specific guy in “Ali B’s” class last year).

Unluckily, but as you would expect because it’s a college and not a sushi restaurant, Vassar college doesn’t have many Yelp reviews. So without further ado, step into my sleep-deprived mind.


Fake Yelp Reviews of Vassar College

1 Star–“Damn iPhone app sent me to their dining center instead of the White House after showing Malia the Hudson River Valley. ….Maybe I should rate this GPS, I guess that’s the real problem here” – a disgruntled and confused Barack Obama. The Deece does kind of look like the White House’s ugly stepsister.

1 comment in reply: “How do you like zat, Barry? Two can play at ze Handyhacking game after all, jaja! NSA stands for Naughty Stinking Arschlochen!” –Angela “Don’t Mess with the Merk” Merkel

5 Stars–“Yo, their president is a total fox, a real hot mama, so smart and a great cook” – Cappy’s husband Kent J. Kildahl trying and failing at the whole anonymous part of submissions.

4 stars–“OMG I heard they don’t have any RA’s and their mascot, is like, beer? Man I wish they’d let guys go here! No frats or football though, so whatever nerds.” 17-year-old Bro who read 5% of a cached version of the Vassar Wikipedia page.

3 stars–“As far as fast food/buffets go, not bad, though a little pricey for Robert and I. Where is that icon? It should say $$. I can’t figure out this website. A lot of college kids were around, seemed pretty hip, found out about it through word of mouth maybe, or one of those social networking websites do you think? We just wandered in! For some reason they still have what I’m guessing is their old sign from the fifties up, it says Retreat. I told Robert we should tell them it’s outdated but he said ‘Shut up Phyllis and eat your damn sweet potato fries I’m sure they know what they’re doing.’”

3 stars–“I’ve heard of it” – Jesus H(erbert) Christ

5 stars–“LOVED IT. All of them will eventually go to heaven. Bringing in veterans was a great idea. We love them gays. God bless.” A Westboro Baptist Church member who takes opposite day very seriously

2 stars–asdfjkl gei45or eri2uvnx pejk265sdl gkdff7;] – A cat in who sat on a keyboard and then figured out what the “submit” button does

5 stars–“It’s a paradise on earth” – those Norwegian guys Ylvis who sing about Fox sounds and Massachusetts (if you haven’t seen the new one, watch it, stop reading, this’ll still be here when you come back)

4 stars–“They’re bringing Solange Knowles for their fall concert this year. Did you guys know she has a sister who also sings? It’s crazy! I think she’s married to Jay Z or something”  – a massive idiot, who I can’t help but somehow respect.

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