If you don’t like mac and cheese you are probably an alien

I am a food snob. I don’t eat store-bought cookies; I’d only eat cake from a mix if you made it for me for my birthday but I’d be secretly mad at you about that and it’s probably the end of our friendship. Don’t even try to pass off that canned abomination of watered down and artificially flavored dung as real tomato sauce—I can tell the difference. Put some work into your life, you lazy bum! Because of my snobbery, the transition into eating at college was tragic, but I have found a solution (hallelujah!). I go shopping about every week to pick up the necessities (improving town-gown relations one trip at a time) and now I pretty much never leave my room for food. Or at all. I’m a hermit. Anyways, here are my necessities:

Microwaveable mac and cheese. This is of the utmost importance; it is a staple in my life. I highly recommend Annie’s mac and cheese because then you can pretend to be slightly healthy while you’re eating all 2.5 servings at one time. Otherwise you’re just giving in to the freshman fifteen, the sophomore sixteen, the junior jelly-belly, or the senior sixty. But make sure you get microwaveable, because who wants to trudge down the hall three doors down to boil water? That’s right, not me. I didn’t buy Annie’s so I could WALK places. I accidentally didn’t get microwaveable mac and cheese the first time I went shopping, but I was too lazy to boil water so I just microwaved it, making an extremely crunchy and watery mac and cheese that was still oddly satisfying. I think scientists are going to find whole pieces of the Arthur shaped mac and cheese in my stomach when I die. Oh yeah, get fun shapes—then you can feel like a child again.

Cheese and tortillas/tortilla chips. You know where I’m going with this—quesadillas and nachos! I’m too much of a champion (read: glutinous) to just eat one tiny quesadilla, so I just cover my plate with corn tortillas and then sprinkle cheese over those and then add another layer of tortillas to make one giant quesadilla. If that doesn’t sound like the most beautiful thing in the world to you then you can get out right now.

Chocolate chips and pretzels. Try to name something that will make you happier than chocolate covered pretzels? A puppy? Wrong. Winning the lottery? Incorrect. Getting all of your science textbooks for free? Not as good as this snack. For some odd reason whenever I make chocolate-covered pretzels it can never be in a bowl or on a plate, it always has to be in my mug. Just dump in the pretzels and then the chocolate chips and shake it up to make sure the chocolate is evenly distributed (there is nothing worse than the disappointment of when you pick up a pretzel and find out it has no chocolate on it) and then microwave and voilà, heaven in a mug. Seriously, if I see you eating these off of a plate, I will fight you.

Peanut Butter. Just a spoonful of peanut butter helps the medicine go down, the medicine go dooooowwnnn the medicine go down, just a spoonful of peanut butter helps the medicine go down, in the most delightful way. I’ll just leave that there and wait for the urge to watch Mary Poppins ruin your productivity for the rest of the day. Peanut butter is perfect. I would take peanut butter home for Thanksgiving to meet my parents. If you judge me for sticking my spoon directly into the peanut butter jar then you are missing out on one of the great joys of life. Get the all-natural kind (preferably Smuckers), it’ll make you feel better about the fact you just consumed a 4,000 calorie jar in an hour while you were watching a Disney classic.

Ground beef. Mmmm, meat protein. Can’t beat it. Although you may want to hide it behind some conveniently placed tofu in case any angry vegans come over and inexplicably open your fridge searching for signs of animal by-products.

Yogurt. BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY. I’m looking at you, kid in my 9 a.m. whose stomach ends up sounding like an angry wild animal by the end of the class. I’m having a falling out with oatmeal right now (it was too clingy), so yogurt and I sparked up a deep and meaningful friendship. But if you prefer oatmeal then go for it, just get something that you wouldn’t hate eating for breakfast. If you’re one of those people that can eat pasta for breakfast then good for you, don’t even bother with the yogurt or oatmeal, but you should know that it’s weird and I don’t understand you.

Oreos. I am (unfortunately) a snacker, so I need to have something to snack on at all times and Oreos do the trick. If you don’t get double stuff you are living in the Dark Ages; they’re so much better. Better yet, just get an entire box of Oreos and take the stuffing out of all of them and put all of it in between two of the chocolate cookie parts of the Oreo and eat one giant Oreo. Not that I’ve ever done that, like, for example, last night, or anything.

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