If you’ve never had an emotional breakdown over sports, you are missing out

It’s football season. More specifically, it continues to be football season, since it’s been going on for months now. This is the only time of the year when I am seriously invested in two teams for the same sport, ever since Oklahoma blatantly stole my home basketball team away from me. It’s fine, it’s been five years, I don’t still weep about it late at night or have dreams of going to Oklahoma City and persuading all the players to get into a van with me where I will take them back where they truly belong. It’s whatever.

Being so invested in two teams at once (University of Washington and the Seahawks, if you were wondering) is both incredibly stressful and also incredibly stressful. Sorry, I ran out of adjectives. While watching the Seahawks do their best impersonation of a Junior Varsity high school team and debating whether the pain in my right arm is because the game is giving me a literal heart attack or because I ran into a door earlier, I decided it would be a good idea to make a list of the positive aspects of being a sports fan, because it can get incredibly hard to remember why we put ourselves through this kind of pain.

1) Beer. Thursday through Sunday, literally all hours of the day are up for drinking. Crack open that beer, friend, because this is America, and if you aren’t drinking beer and watching sports than you are doing it wrong. If you are watching “football,” also known in the land of the free as “soccer,” then wine is acceptable, or maybe absinthe. Actually strike that, no wine. If it was good enough for the prostitutes in Moulin Rouge it should be good enough for you.

2) Attractive Butts. There will always be butts for you to look at. You’ve got your cheerleader butts. You’ve got your football butts, baseball butts, pretty much all the butts you could ever want to look at. As a member of the female species who enjoys a nice piece of manslice from time to time, I don’t really care for the man butt. However, the more sports you watch, the more you develop at least some appreciation for them. This happens essentially in the same way as some people develop appreciation for fine cheese or opera or modern art—however, unlike those topics, your newfound appreciation will not make people want to fall asleep when you talk about it.

3) Clothes. You get to look like a “cool kid” in your snapback, who totally did not get bullied in gym class or lose their two front teeth in an overly aggressive game of dodgeball.

4) Passion. You know how they say if you are good at dancing then you also have big feet and hands? Or something? Well, if you are really into sports, then maybe you will also be really into other people. You know? Science says that if you sometimes scream at strangers on your TV to get their shit together, then you are also a good kisser.

5) Food. When you actually physically attend a sports game, you can get a Bud Light for 12 dollars and a hot dog for 23, which sounds like it’s not a good deal. It’s not. It’s a really bad deal. But it DOES take stress eating to a new level, which is something that I appreciate. As a person who regularly turns “snacks” into full meals, I like that watching a baseball game means that I am essentially having a 9 course dinner. The Superbowl combines both food AND beer which makes it a more joyous occasion than that of the birth of your first child.

6) Fitness. I have burned countless calories running around my house yelling incredibly rude things at my TV that I absolutely can’t publish here because we have an easily offended student body. Or, possibly, because the things I am yelling are just really offensive. Sorry, I’ve been drinking absinthe all day. Can’t stop won’t stop. Party in the USA.

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