Having been one half of an extremely low-key and exceptionally hip couple for approximately (rounded up) thirty seconds, I believe I am pretty much an expert on how to distinguish the “cool” couples from “those” couples on campus. Do you know who “those” couples are? If you don’t, read the following list to discern if you qualify as the WORST.*
You qualify if you:
1) come early to Dormal Formal to make out with your biddy** while rocking formal attire. Yes, we get it. You can successfully suck face even when one or all of you are rocking old lady heels. You are officially “the tits.” Regardless, if I wanted to see people intimately kissing—I’d head to the Mug. I’ve heard it’s become quite the hot spot for long-lasting romance.
2) take the elevator up and down in your dorm, just so you can inform the drunken, motley groups who join you that: “We’re not going out—we’re gonna have a ‘quiet night in.’ Maybe watch a movie or something.” Wink, Wink. #we-aren’t-actually-going-to-watch-a-movie. If you want to have a quiet night in, go to your room, and shut the f**k up. (Clearly still bitter from my experience as the single girl in the drunken crew being told about a couple’s quiet night in. Their evening sounded far better than riding the elevator with my fellow group and half the Lathrop freshmen class until we found “where the party at.”)
3) hold hands at the Deece. Just stop. If you took my health, medicine and public policy class, you would accept that hand holding is unacceptable given the low frequency of hand washing by the general public. Fact-Based Statistic: less than 2% of Vassar students regularly wash their hands.***
4) attend a party with your biddy and then “hook up” against a living room wall so passionately that there is permanent blue smudge from your biddy’s jean pants that no amount of Clorox and scrubbing will eliminate.
5) slow grind at the Solange concert even when her beats are popping and totes upbeat. If you want to dry hump, don’t ruin my ViCE concert for me. Go to UpC where the other couples are getting passionate. (just kidding- who hooks up in UpC—but could we make it the “new” Mug? On the DL, I heard it’s no longer wellness headquarters.)
6) are a student fellow or on VRDT or my girl crush in the Night Owls.
7) play on the same team, are in the same fellow group, or live in Ferry with your biddy.
8) and your biddy have matching haircuts.
9) have dated the kid since freshmen year.
10) have not ever been Facebook official, because you, like, totally don’t need to be, but you are still, like, totally official. #facebook-can’t-define-what-we-have
11) have been wearing her letterman jacket, just so everyone knows that your biddy is part of the 1% of students who participate in athletics. (hahahahaha what if we had letterman jackets)
12) post any photo of the two of you kissing. I’m sorry (no I’m not) but any picture depicting an intimate moment was NOT candid; it required a lot of involvement, and you may as well have had the photo created in one of those studios where the photographers take pictures of babies in Santa hats or flowers a lá Anne Geddes. Relevant Anecdote: One time in high school, Megan posted a Facebook album titled: “lazy sunday with kenneth” and it was devoted to the two of them kissing and I saw it and I nearly vomited. If you don’t want to induce physical illness, don’t post kissing selfies.
13) have suddenly stopped drinking because it’s “no longer” “fun.” I call BS. Unless, of course, you got wasted on your 22nd and threw up on your carpet. Then, really, no one can blame you for not drinking any more.*&*
14) spend more time texting the biddy then you do snapchatting photos of yourself drinking and or posing as a Harry Potter character.
Consider my list, then consider yourself warned—suckas.
*If you don’t qualify as one of “those” couples—you are welcome to join me and my biddy at the Deece for breakfast any day of the week. If you have trouble finding me, wait by the pastry section. I consume an average of three donuts a morning.
**Biddy stands for any and all manner of persons. It is my equivalent of “ze” which I feel I continually use improperly.
***The 2% may just be my misremembering the “1%” Halloween costume that kids were so crazy about a couple years back.
*&* PSA: underage drinking = immoral and wrong. As is a carpet-vom combination.