As evidenced by the masses at the Deece rocking leggings as pants on Sunday evening, Turkey-Week (or, let’s be honest, half-week) may have rounded up the Freshmen fifteen to the Senior 22. What to do?
Because I am the piss-poor Vassar equivalent of Dear Abby, I will respond to your trials and tribulations post-Break, because I am a stellar person and all-around winner.
Q: I got a haircut over break, and my crush didn’t notice. What do I do?
A: Sorry, Captain Obvious, but everyone got a hair cut over break. It would have been more beneficial to not do anything to your hair. I’ve heard that is the new hip thing. Or, alternatively, you could have come back tan like those bitches on my Instagram who went to Puerto Rico for break.
Q: Do I keep trying to hook up this semester or do I write it off and actually do the work that’s built up like the soap scum in the shower my house has refused to clean all semester?
A: Well, pumpkin pie, you might consider that if your shower is “scummy” a hook up might not be in the cards. A terrifying reality, but something you need to come to terms with. What is more frightening: handling a sponge and some Comet, or spending another Saturday night cradling your computer and tissues? (Don’t make this weird.)
Q: This Thanksgiving sucked because my 16-year-old half-Latino cousin is going through an ultra-right conservative phase.
A: That’s not really a question, but I’ll do my best to soothe your pain. First, take pity, because being 16 sort of blows. Second: send him ultra-liberal links from an anonymous e-mail with a “conservative-friendly” username, like Palin♥ or WWBushDo. Third: barring the success of the previous two methods, whisper dirty liberal thoughts into his room at night when he’s sleeping. Subliminally, he will convert. Next Thanksgiving should be a blast!
Q: My Canadian lover is sending me mixed signals ever since the break. Gack!
A: Bite the bullet, and send those mixed signals right on back. When you see “Canada,” ignore at all costs. When “Canada” turns their back, throw maple syrup sausage links at them. If your lover asks: deny, deny, deny. This way, “Canada” will be forced to either reconcile or spend the last three weeks of the semester smelling like my breakfast.
Q: I’m turning 19 on Friday and I want to host an inappropriate themed partay. Can you recommend any?
A: Edward Roséhands and Sloppy Seconds (involving sloppy Joe’s and alcohol sharing) are personal favorites.
Q: My Grandma sent me back to school with so much turkey. WHAT TO DO!?
A: Turkey makes you sleepy. There’s a natural sedative in it called tryptophan (Science Lesson). First off, feed some to the chickens behind the Co-op (just kidding, sickos, that’s cannibalism… the poultry version). Second, incorporate it into all meals. Oatmeal with turkey milk. Yogurt parfait with craisins and turkey. Protein shake minus the powder, plus the turkey meat. Etc. Thirdly, follow the lead of all great literary criminals and “hide it in plain sight.” Aka bring it to the Deece and put it in the salad bar. Or throw some in with bagels. Or the cups.
Q: Should I use my last paycheck to buy weed, groceries or Xmas presents for my parents?
A: Combine wherever you can! Buy weed and flour mix, and sustain yourself on brownies for the next few weeks. It might make classes and functioning like a human being a bit difficult, but it will be hilarious. Or, buy your parents Christmas presents that double as groceries. Nothing says happy holidays like a half-used bucket of egg beaters or the foot of a gluten-free loaf. Last case resort, buy yourself groceries, start selling weed and write your parents a loving note for Christmas that ends with a request for an “allowance” because you’ve been working super hard in your sociology class. Like, so so hard.
Q: If my Thanksgiving gut can keep me insulated during Winter, is it really worth losing?
What a fantastic question! To answer the initial concern: What about the Senior 22? Don’t bother exercising or watching your dietary habits: this is crunch time. You need that Nilda’s to power you through your Film Seminar paper. How can you finish your screenplay without mainlining Deece Donuts? I’ll answer that for you, you can’t. You earned it, Sister. Don’t lose the gut, wear it with pride. We’ll reconvene our discussion when the season reverts to crop top weather (God forbid).
xxx email me at PalinBiddiesonBushBiddies@yahoo over Winter break if you have any more questions. <3