The Miscellany News Guide to: Valentine’s Day Magic

I could write an article about the Super Bowl. Because, you know, it’s “topical” and whatnot. But Lily “Washington State” Doyle is borderline apoplectic about her team’s big win, so I’ll generously allow her to take the reins on that one. Instead, I’ll address an urgent issue: the annual imminent doom that is “V-Day.” Not D-Day, but the oft-dreaded, rarely enjoyed Valentine’s Day. It’s coming, people. Hide your husbands, your dachshunds and your chocolate stash (because you might be able to pass it off as a gift)—we have 11 DAYS.

What to do? Are you a freshman? Looking forward to a great first Valentine’s at Vassar? Pump the brakes. Vassar gets spooky on Valentine’s. There is a lot of “avoiding the topic.” As in: “Oh, is it Valentine’s day? I didn’t even know.” Or, even better, “It’s just a marketing ploy. Valentine wasn’t even a real saint” (As though Vassar students are familiar with the Saints, EL OH EL). So what are your options?

Ferry is having a party. Or, a rave. Take that with a grain of cashew milk. Apparently there will be “opposing DJ’s.” I am running on the assumption that entails a certain scrunchied cast member of “Full House” performing. Correct me if I’m wrong.

There will undoubtedly be a plethora of “Gal-entine’s day parties.” Any such party will be imbued with either “shit-talking” or pretending that exes do not exist. If you want to be the hippest of hip, you will host a party like this—for singles only—and let the sangria flow. You could also make the event jersey-themed. In this scenario, you could be trampled by a crowd of jersey-wearing freshmen, much like any Wal-Mart Black Friday sale (sorry, I’m enduring awful TH flashbacks).

If you have a significant other, preparation must begin now. You need to embrace the Betty Crocker within, or the Jacques Pepin, depending on preference and French speaking abilities. You need to rustle up a couple of Cosmopolitan magazines and peruse their exceptionally good tips. Some past winners include: “Talk dirty—like, really dirty.” From NOT personal experience, sometimes you try to talk dirty, a.k.a. “Oh wow that sure feels swell,” and the person will stop what they are doing and loudly respond: “What did you just say?” to which you will shrug. Other good Cosmo tips: “Missionary.” Or, if you are being really wild: “Celibacy.” Attempt to cover all bases! (Tangential: Do you remember when hooking up with someone meant metaphorically rounding the bases? Example circa 7th grade: Friend: “I went to THIRD with Morgan.” Me: “What did it feel like?!” Friend: “Oh, you know. Just… super sexy and stuff.” Potentially this lady had not actually gone to third. I suspected it then and I feel sure of it now).

If you do not have a significant other, then this is the perfect opportunity to take advantage of the Vassar Devil’s valentine gram. If you give a little money, the a capella group will go to someone’s classroom and sing a romantic ditty to them. Potentially sweet or utterly mortifying. If you want to embrace the latter, send the gram to a rude housemate or that special someone you hooked up with four freaking times freshman year and now “doesn’t recognize” you.” Or, you know, whomever.

Other options: Scope out the Deece, UpC and the Retreat. Anyone diving headfirst into a pint on V-Day evening is definitely looking for that “special something.” Who doesn’t feel sexy with a belly full of dairy (or alternative almond, rice or Lactaid product)!? AM I RIGHT!? Go right up to them. Use a snappy catchphrase like: “Ugh, social constructs” or “Ha ha, what?” Anything that will confuse them into thinking they know you/were having a conversation with you and simply forgot. Valentine’s Day will sparkle from this moment on.

On a personal note, there’s no way this V-Day will top my high school experience. Junior year, my then “stud” boyfriend and I went ice skating. I kept grabbing his arm out of fright and slamming him into the ice **wedding bells.** After this charming date we *hooked up* in his basement. Just as we were rounding third, we heard stamping noises from the upstairs. “What’s that?” he asked. I wiped the excessive saliva off my face as his parents, Mr. and Mrs. K, interrupted whatever lewd Valentine’s behavior was going on in the basement. Hilarious! Richard broke up with me a week and a half later because I wouldn’t go to home base with him #the-one-that-got-away.

Best of luck with your Valentine’s planning!

 

*Final tip, did not make this up, overheard it at a wicked cool Super Bowl party: Go to your significant other’s FB page. Type: “Happy Alentine’s Day. I didn’t include the V because that’s what you’re getting later.” Hopefully their Aunt Helen will read it and tell their mother about it.

**The above tip obviously only works in certain situations (if you have a V to speak of).

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