Reporter has mastered essentials of trying to have a life after the bubble

Yesterday I had my first real interview for a post-grad job and I pretty much bombed it. For a few minutes I was found-a-naked-mole-rat-in-your-Deece-meal levels upset, but then I realized jobs are for suckers anyways. I was interviewing for a tech startup despite being an English major and can only assume I was given an interview through some form of sorcery. The fact is I was just not prepared for the level of intensity. I’ve decided to compile some tips for all you seniors out there about to take an interview.

PREGAME MEAL: You know how they say breakfast is the most important part of the day? They’re right. You should always pregame an interview with a festive meal. I would suggest dragon-meat cooked medium rare, rabbit feet, and both vodka and adrenaline shots. This should get you in the proper mindset for an interview or at least lead to cardiac arrest. It’s up to you to decide the lesser of two evils.

WHAT I ATE: I heaped a bunch of cheddar cheese on twelve chicken nuggets, heated them up in the microwave, and ate them under my bed to avoid judgment.

ATTIRE: For interviews you have to dress sharp. I would recommend an ironic cat t-shirt, novelty beer drinking hat filled with H2O to keep you hydrated and a skinny tie. My interview was on Skype. If you’re faced with a similar situation go ass-naked from the waist down. This is called a power move. To keep your feet warm I’d recommend fashioning some kicks out of something primal like tiger skin or bear fur. Make sure you are not interviewing with PETA.

WHAT I WORE: I wore your standard shirt and tie with dress pants. This was a big mistake. I’m twenty-one years old and still struggle to tie a tie so I had to have one of my housemates help me. He is a foot taller than me so to say this was emasculating is an understatement. It completely messed up my mental game. I also put a little product in my hair, and yes, you guessed it; this led to self-loathing.

HOW TO PREPARE: The fact of the matter is that you are going to be blindsided by some questions. Here is how you avoiding stuttering your way through these potential disasters. Spend the days leading up to the interview watching “Breaking Bad,” “Mad Men,” “Scandal,” “24,” any show with bad-ass characters. Memorize a couple key lines and drop that at random using the character’s voice. Oh, you want to know how you can improve your product’s sales in the 20-29 demographic. Here’s my answer: “I am the danger. I am the one who knocks.” You want me to describe a situation where I’ve shown leadership. “My name is Jack Bauer I’m a federal agent.” You get the gist.

WHAT I DID: Prepare mundane answers for a bunch of cute questions like “tell me about yourself” and “tell me more about yourself.”

I hope that these tips will guide you through the night. If you need any tips on how to procure anything mentioned in this article just hit me on my pager or text me the phrase “I need to buy a refrigerator.” I’ll send you a messenger pigeon with a meeting place. If you don’t feel comfortable Skype-interviewing naked from the waist down at least wear something bossy like gold leggings or Hammer pants. If worst comes to worst, and you bomb your interview despite this expert advice, just call your parents or a friend so you can laugh about it with them. That’s what I did.

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