The Oregon Trail: TH to TA Edition

10:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.: I seriously consider getting out of bed. OK, I actually just vaguely ponder the philosophical concept of why getting out of bed is sometimes useful. OK, all I really do is look out my window so that I get a glimpse of the outside world, and decide that was probably enough for the day because it looks cold out there and, in the words of Homer Simpson, I’m just a big toasty cinnamon bun. Plus the outside world doesn’t have Netflix. Strike one for the outside world.

10:00 a.m.: As a side note, I am beginning to worry that when my children ask me what I did in college I will only be able to say “I laid in bed and watched a lot of Netflix, children”.

1:00 p.m.: I think about taking a shower, and decide I don’t have enough time because I have to be in the TAs before the seasons change. I google mapped it, and to get from the THs to the TAs in 1,456 miles, or, coincidentally, approximately the distance from Missouri to Oregon (please note: I made this number up). It takes several months to walk this far, so I prepare my covered wagon accordingly.

1:35 p.m.: I have consumed several gallons of chocolate milk to put fat on my body for the long voyage and invested in a lot of salted bacon and oxen. If it’s good enough for the pioneers on the Oregon Trail, it’s good enough for me.

1:42 p.m.: A member of my party, MCGIBLETSON, almost immediately falls ill with scurvy.

2:30 p.m.: I just shot a bison because they are slow and have a lot of meat. It feeds my entire wagon party. Unfortunately, my wife BOOGER died of exhaustion. This teaches me that I must take care of my own, and stop forcing them to walk at a pace many would continue “strenuous.”

3:48 p.m.: I have to decide whether to ford the river or… ford the river. I realize that I never did anything but ford the river in my Oregon Trail video game because I’m not an idiot. I think the other option was something like “wait for the river to go down which will take 12 years and your wagon will light on fire and everyone in it will die because you were too much of a wimp to just cross the goddamn river which at the most will cause you to lose like one ox and BILLY”.

4:30 p.m.: I arrive at the the TAs, with the majority of my covered wagon intact. My reward is to watch the new Disney movie, Frozen, with my friend and her cat. The cat is more into the movie than we are.

6:30 p.m.: I begin the long trek back. This one goes by slightly more quickly, with only a few significant events: I age considerably. I lose my left third toe to frostbite. I miss more than two of my classes and lose participation points. People stop listening to “Timber.” The energy crisis is solved. Belarus comes from behind to win the Olympics.

20 years later: I fall into bed in my TH, asleep before my head hits the pillow. I am quickly awoken by the screams of the person who lives there now, and is confused about why a 41 year old woman is trying to sleep on them.

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