My student seminars are much better than yours

You know that one kid in class who somehow has more to say than the professor (Hint: If you don’t, it’s probably you)? Every spring, we’re given the opportunity to voluntarily attend a class with these kind of people who, bursting with the wealth of knowledge that comes with having lived for roughly 20 years, want to teach us, their peers. That’s right, the annual student seminars are upon us (well, the application process has started anyway), and my mind has been oozing with class topics I would teach if I didn’t fear public speaking. Unfortunately, I’m always afraid that I lack the ability to speak above a whisper, and people usually feel uncomfortable when I use a bullhorn to have a conversation with my friend sitting less than two feet in front of me at the Deece, so I just don’t bother speaking in class (Hear that, professors? My silence in class is for your benefit. You’re welcome…please don’t fail me). So without further ado, I leave you with a list of the only classes I’m qualified to teach if I were actually qualified to teach.

The Hunger Games: Midnight Munchies Edition

It’s late at night, you have a huge ten-page paper you should be working on, but the hunger angrily boils deep within your soul. Everything on campus is closed, leaving you to fend for yourself in this cold, cruel world. All you want in your life is some cheesy-bread goodness. You think, hey, I’ll order Domino’s, but they closed about an hour ago, and the only option left is Acrop. Dun. Dun. DUN. Have no fear! In this class, we’ll discuss how to hunt and gather food. We’ll start with learning how to make basic tools such as bow and arrows, harpoons and your standard scramasax. You’ll be feasting on a plump womp-womp in no time.

 

Hit That Refresh Button: The Art of Procrastination, or Being an Aspiring Writer

I personally think that everyone secretly wants to be a writer. Silly? Well, I also believe that everyone around me at any given moment is my competition. For what? Life. And if I want to be able to call myself a “writer” (not to be confused with the other definition of “writer,” which means unemployed,) I’m going to have to give it my all. But sometimes, you get stuck on a thought, so you decide to go on Twitter to tweet about your frustrations before heading over to Facebook to click on every photo of your high school crush. And, of course, there is always laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, bacon to be fried and reading to not do. But I’m not here to dissuade you from this procrastinatory lifestyle; for four weeks, we’ll spend time putting off our obligations in a safe space, and then one day, I’ll write about it and make money from it. Win/win.

 

Napping Without Shame: Learning How to Drool in Public

I love naps. The problem is people think that napping is a private activity, something that should be kept behind closed doors and never spoken about in social settings (or maybe that’s sex). I’m all for taking nap time outside of the bedroom (still sex?). Other than snuggling up with a pile of clean laundry, which I’d mentioned before last semester when things were less bleak than they are now, I’ve also dozed off in the middle of the library, both in a couch and on the floor. Some people might be embarrassed about snoring or drooling or any other general awkwardness that occurs when one is unconscious, but not I. I’ve started caring less and less about what people think or say, so every time I drool all over myself, I consider it a subtle “screw the haters” moment. WARNING: I am not responsible for any loss or stolen personal items, nor am I responsible for your well-being when you choose to nap openly. Nap wherever you want, but be safe, kids.

 

Giving a Voice to the Voiceless: A History of the Jewish Press

Hey, maybe I do know something! Would you look at that. I managed to stuff a semester’s worth of research into roughly 3 days to write this paper for a seminar last semester. This counts as possibly (definitely) the greatest achievement of my short life, and let me tell you, you will hear about it until the end of time. This seminar is essentially a graduation requirement.* I’ll see you there.

*It isn’t.

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