Reporter (and entire campus) would like Elsa to calm down

I don’t know if you’ve looked outside recently, but the recent animated Disney movie “Frozen” is your life. In fact, I’m fairly certain that if I were to ever actually make it out of my room, I would find Elsa standing in the middle of the res quad making an ice castle. Aesthetically, that’s not a particularly good place to build an ice castle, since it blocks me from looking across the quad into the windows of strangers, but flat ground is limited here at Vassar, so she can’t really afford to be picky. As such, here are six undeniable reasons that you should accept that your life has become an animated classic. This should help control that urge to want to punch everyone who posts “Do You Want to Build A Snowman” on Facebook.

6. Hans. You know how it’s really great to be a happy and sunny person? Well, sometimes it’s even better to be filled with loathing so pure and strong that not even Kismat on Tasty Tuesdays can cure it. You probably fell into the Hans trap just as I did and are now questioning your judgment of people in general. Was that guy I danced with at the Valentines Day dance actually not only interested in my personality? Does my professor roam the campus at night offering shots of tequila to freshmen despite all the plaid sweaters she wears? Do my friends just want me for my crown and throne? Logical doubts.

5. The trolls. I don’t know if any of you have ever been disappointed by your family not being trolls that can become rocks at will, but ever since I saw “Frozen,” I have been experiencing that feeling all too often. However, I feel like if I by some miracle managed to bring a man home, my mother would react with the same pushy desperation to marry us off. That song is just so perfect and real. “I’m not saying you can change him, cuz people don’t really change.”  I mean, really?? That’s a lesson I should have learned years ago, so I am really glad that the new generation of tots is learning it young. Repeat after me children: You cannot make him straight, no matter how hot he is.

4. Elsa. She is like the Disney version of Elphaba that nobody knew they needed until they saw her. She is just so misunderstood, and I just want to wrap her up in a ball and take her home with me and give her all of the love she needs. I have a giant white blanket with her name written all over it. It literally does. It’s a “Frozen” blanket. Of course, after I was done burrito-ing her in a blanket, I would take her out so she could dance her troubles away. I don’t think she’s had fun since she was a kid, and what better way to show her a whole new world of fun than through a college party? Crushing masses of people, creepy advances by creepier people and loud repetitive music – who could ask for anything more? But don’t you just get the sense that she would be a great dancer? She’d just let it go.

3. The relationship between Kristoff and Sven. It is probably the most accurate representation of my relationship with my dog I have ever seen. If I were to tell you that I didn’t talk to her, I would be lying. She has her own voice and her own personality, just like everyone else in my life. Seeing that relationship depicted on the big screen almost makes it feel normal. Almost. I’m still seeking help.

2. Anna. She is my new spirit animal. Before this it was Chandler Bing from “Friends” (I recognize that neither of these spirit animals are in actuality animals, but I refuse to call someone my “soul sister,” so here we are). Sorry, Chandler, you’ve been replaced by the spunky, freakishly strong, and beautifully awkward Anna. I look exactly like Anna when I wake up in the morning (flawless), and I think my roommates are convinced I’m secretly a lake monster (flawless) that goes to sunset lake each night to sleep and replenish my powers (flawless). Ladies, tell ‘em.

1. The music. Oooooh, the music. Speaking as a choir geek and secret sex columnist, the choral parts at the beginning were orgasmic. Now every time I walk into a room, I want to sing “Love is an Open Door” (even though it’s tinged with sadness because Hans). And, of course, “Let it Go.” It’s my inspirational song (even though I try to sing it and end up just screaming along because nobody normal can sing like Idina Menzel). Last night, I left a disappointing party and ran home singing it. And let me tell you, I did let it go. I was truly one with the wind and sky. The cold never bothered me anyways, thanks to my beer jacket.

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