This reporter highly recommends not living your life in the same way he does

So, I’ve been sitting here trying to think of something to write about for far too long. I straight up cannot think of a topic that will lend itself to a cohesive, funny column. Instead, you will get a bunch of unrelated observations and anecdotes.

If you would like to throw rocks at me, I live in TH 63 and will be taking Platform Nine and Three Quarters to Narnia on Feb. 29.

If you haven’t noticed, campus has been very, very icy. A good way to impress your crush would be to follow them at a distance of six inches until they inevitably slip.

This way you can catch them, be the hero, and live happily ever after. Let’s take a moment to visual—ABORT ABORT WORST IDEA EVER. LEAVE YOUR CRUSH ALONE!

Last weekend, my friend decided to name his fists “Early” and “Often.” I now have one less friend.

Using phrases from “Pitch Perfect” ironically can be a good way to get a cheap laugh. Using phrases from “Pitch Perfect” can also be a good way to ensure that you eat alone next time you are in the Deece. The lesson: Irony is dangerous, be careful.

I was walking through the library and had to inch my way past a couple in deep conversation in the basement stacks. As I was passing through (read: eavesdropping), I overheard the guy say, “You know, I only like to make love under the crescent moon.” Bravo, good sir, bravo.

I’d like to take some time out of this column to put an APB out for my winter coat. It is gray and black and was last seen in TH 48. For those of you worried about my well-being, a housemate was nice enough to lend me his coat in the meantime. This coat happens to be leather and oversized, so until I get mine back, I will be the kid on campus who looks like an elf dressing as James Dean. Please help me find my coat.

I was talking to a girl this weekend and joked that Taylor Swift is like the Bob Dylan of our generation. She didn’t get the joke, and instead of saving face, I just let it slide. I got some sort of sick satisfaction knowing I probably ruined her faith in humanity.

On Friday, I watched Canada face off against the United States in the Olympic Hockey semi-finals. I never knew I could summon such rage for a country known for being friendly and having universal health care. I never thought I’d find myself screaming “F*ck you and your maple syrup” at one in the afternoon on a Friday. I don’t even watch hockey. I’ve gone to Canada twice and immensely enjoyed both visits. I think I take sports too seriously.

The other day, I brushed my teeth while listening to “Eye of the Tiger,” and it was a pure unadulterated adrenaline rush.

I am the one who knocks plaque! I am the one who knocks!

I eat a lot of sandwiches because I live in constant fear of setting off the fire alarm in my TH. I open the door to air out the steam that comes from my pasta even after it was scientifically explained to me that this could never set off the alarm.

I like to flirt with the cashiers at Stop ‘N Shop. I find it is much easier when you have a captive audience that is paid to be nice to you.

—Eliot Marcus ’14 is an English major who has yet to (and most liklely never will) figure out his life.

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