Editor’s Note: Jean-Luc Bouchard spent a total of at least two hours studying and training in the art of astrological horoscope prediction. These horoscopes come directly from the cosmos and not, contrary to popular belief, from the zany mind of a pork-loving, stand-up comedian with a really funny looking name. So, sorry, Taurus and Gemini, you’re both kind of fucked.
Aries (March 21-April 19): You need to slow down and relax, Aries. You’re working way too hard. Make the time today to take in some deep breaths and to remind yourself that you still have a good eight months to finish that wax replica of Mila Kunis before The Event.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): It’s a tragic fact of life that we will all die someday. Your day is June 14th. Plan accordingly.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): This is going to be a great day for you, Gemini, because it’s your birthday! Wait, it isn’t your birthday? Fuck, I’m sorry, I had my calendar upside-down. One sec. Oh, okay, apparently today’s the day you get pubic lice, sorry ‘bout that.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): The stars have decided that you’re attractive, Cancer, in a Kevin Spacey-meets-Oprah Winfrey sort of way.
Leo (July 23-August 22): You know all those times that you thought you heard someone whispering your name? They were. Literally everyone talks about you behind your back. HA! I can’t believe it took you this long to find out. Dude, come on. Susan was right about you being stupid. Yes, your grandmother Susan.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): No, no, don’t worry. Everyone else is eating soup wrong. You’re the only one eating soup right. Don’t listen to the haters. Especially when one of them is your mom. This is how Galileo felt.
Libra (September 23-October 22): The stars just met you, and this is crazy, but there’s no horoscope, ‘cuz I’m quite lazy.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): That hidden and possibly unrealized attraction you have toward French humorists who write for student newspapers will be awakened this evening, Scorpio, in a frenzied wave of passion and brie.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Smell the Pope.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The stars just don’t like you like that, Capricorn. The stars just want to stay friends. The kind of friends who don’t talk to each other anymore or show up at their job unannounced and who definitely do not try to lick each other’s faces.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Have you seen the way Virgo eats soup? What a complete loser!
Pisces (February 19-March 20): Someone you love and care for dearly will need your help today, Pisces. Be sure to make time for your friends. Unless that friend is Jack. Is it Jack? What a piece of crap that kid is. The stars didn’t mention it was Jack who needed help. Don’t help Jack. Jack’s getting what he deserves. Jack can get himself out of this one.