Poor Richard’s Almanac provides wisdom for 2014

Spring is here, which means it’s time to check your handy old Poor Richard’s Almanac for wisdom, weather forecasts, gardening tips and cooking recipes. Today, as I was leafing through the pages of my bathroom copy, I was shocked to discover that the author of the famed chronicle is still, incredibly, Benjamin Franklin. Upon further research, Wikipedia.com told me that Franklin was not only a brilliant inventor, founding father and lecherous fiend with a taste for French women, but also a self-proclaimed mystic seer and possibly a staunch believer in our alien overlords. Followingly, after a three week-long bender upon the purchase of “Thomas Brandtington’s Basalm Elixir (now with more kokaine extract!),” he published Poor Richard’s Almanacs for the future 3000 years. Even more shockingly, the Almanac is about as incredibly both wide of the mark and scarily accurate as it is specific to Vassar.

March 31, 2014

Early to bed, early to rise, will allow you to creep on the crew team’s tight thighs.

If you were a servant would you not be ashamed that a good master should catch you idle? Then if you are your own master you are probably reading about the Panopticon for the third time and think about it, have you actually ever SEEN Cappy? #whoswatchingme #paranoidorjustaware

It’s going to be 400 degrees and hailing today, for 2014 is the true year of the apocalypse, I have seen it, and so it is foretold. Sacrifice three pheasants, one blue-footed booby and your remaining morals to G’rrahk ThluarrnNøk, may he reign forever.

March 32, 2014 (April Fools’ gotcha see it’s April 1st you should’ve seen your face).

People who didn’t like that last joke are smarmy critics and probably fans of John Adams, so nobody likes you anyway. YOU try inventing bifocals. OH WAIT you can’t ‘cause I ALREADY DID, BOOM, roasted. I’m out.

I’m not out. Quick, bury a hole three feet deep, 32 inches northwest from my statue in front of Sander’s Science building at dusk. Did any Brandington’s survive? If so, it’s yours conditionally: You must promise to check and record the radioactivity on the “item” and return it (“That’s quite unsafe and callous of you,” you whine; well nobody HAS to KNOW). And you certainly DIDN’T see Madison’s skull, it is most definitely not missing from his grave, should anyone check. Oh, and leave some cocaine for the next guy, you selfish bastard. I would have left herb of the marijuana plant as well, but that must be cheap and legal right? It’s 2014.

March 33 (GOT YOU AGAIN I can’t believe you fell for it twice. April 2nd), 2014

Nothing interesting happens. It’s a Wednesday.

April 3, 2014

All of the things that Jean-Luc said in last week’s Bedside Astrologer came true. Worship accordingly. Also, send him lewd Snapchats (we’re old pals, he’ll know I told you to, it’s ok, trust me).

Ploughs deep while sluggards sleep and the farmer’s market shall have corn for you to sell and keep this Thursday in the College Center.

Invest all of your money in Johnson & Johnson stocks at 4:35 p.m.!

April 4, 2014

Sell it all as soon as possible! OK, so I made a mistake, I’m only human. Sue me. Oh, right, you took advice from a(n admittedly gorgeous and so possibly irresistible) man over 200 years dead.

Pride breakfasted with Plenty dined with Poverty supped with Infamy and they’re your sex life of which you’re reminded every time you enter the Deece.

Be civil to all, serviceable to many, familiar with few, friend to one, enemy to John Adams. Yeah, that’s right, we still aren’t “cool,” John, stop asking, that’s so Travolta 2005.

Do not fear in the night when you get a fright from the light of an electronic wireless lantern phone apparatus in your face. Cappy’s here, with good cheer, checking your ear, it’s that time of year, my dear, so no more tears, no but she’s almost done, hold still and stop hyperventilating. #stillwatching #benevolentoverlord

Dally not with other folk’s women or money. All other genders though, friggen go for it, man. NoJudgement

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