The Misc Guide to: How to become a shadow person

If you’ve been a social butterfly for three years or seven glorious months, you might find yourself wondering what it’s like to be anti-social. The following are some suggestions to “phase out” your social life.* You don’t want to startle your friends by suddenly declining their Facebook events and abstaining from drinking a full frisbee of beer. It’s all about the slow decline, my friends.

1. When you’re invited to parties, go! This might seem strange, didn’t I just say you should start refraining from attending? No, my dears. Instead, you must go, but make yourself a vaguely unattractive attendee. Show up to the party at the exact time listed on the Facebook event. “Well, it said 9:30.” Continually ask your hosts if they have anywhere “safe” you can put your coat.

2. On this note, start dressing slightly odd. I recommend any clothing that is weather inappropriate. Is it freezing outside? Wear a crop top and nothing else. Continually shiver and ask if they can turn the heat up. On the flip-side, if it isn’t raining, wear a raincoat and refuse to take it off. When people make not-so-subtle jokes like, “Hey, are you staying, or what?” give them a dirty look and say you “still haven’t found anywhere safe to put your coat.”

3. If there is a theme of any kind, go above and beyond. Space party? You’ve got glitter silver body paint, an alien mask and a to-scale astronaut suit. Jersey party? Misinterpret it and show up in full Jersey Shore garb. Continually make references to “the Situation” and keep asking when Snooki is going to show up.**

4. Dominate the iPod. Regardless of what people say, everyone hates when someone at parties self-proclaims they are “in charge” of the tunes. They will especially dislike you if you alternate between two songs: “How to Save a Life” by the Fray and “White Houses” by Vanessa Carlton. Unless you are at my house, in which case I will ask why we were never friends before, and did you go to my middle school?*^

5. Bring anything messy. Open a bottle of champagne in the middle of the living room and spray it all over people’s coats. Bring handfuls of feathers stolen from the chickens at the Co-op in your TH circle, and toss them in the air as you shout Nelly’s infamous line: “Shake yo tail-feathers!” Any kind of glitter, Robitussin, broken glow sticks or big bottle of arsenic being thrown around is a similarly effective way to get yourself kicked out of a party.

6. If any party you attend has a dance party, split up couples dancing closely. Tell them to “leave space for the Lord.”*^*

7. Start exclusively showing up to freshmen parties and ask “but where’s the good alcohol?”

8. Loudly advertise how you “feel bad” for people who need alcohol to have fun. You used to be into that, but at this point in your life, you’re just kind of over it.

If you hate attention, the above advice may not work for you. Here are suggestions for you shy kids. I don’t understand you but I sympathize with you wanting to “get out of the game.”

9. Deactivate your Facebook account. You will no longer have any idea when or where anything is. WARNING: this may backfire. If you don’t have a Facebook, your “mystery” level shoots sky high and people may automatically start thinking you are cool. You may receive in-person invites. Yes, I said it. For people sans Facebook, there is sometimes face-to-face communication.

10. Start hosting LinkedIn workshops.

11. Attend parties, but hide in the bathroom.

12. Write a senior thesis. You’ll be so anxious that you will never leave your house. You might not get any work done, but at least your social life will suffer.

13. Start working the graveyard shifts (11-2 a.m.) for student patrol. Any time people invite you over, you will proclaim how much you hate the job—but at least it pays the bills, amirite?

 

*I do not recommend any of these suggestions.

**Where the hell is she? I have been waiting for four years to meet the only famous person from Poughkeepsie.

*^JOKES. I was home-schooled, so that would be impossible.

*^*Stolen directly from teachers at my sister’s Catholic high school dances.

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