Things that are like onions: Ogres, attempting to find a job/internship, Meryl Streep

Imagine the last time you went shopping. For me, this was before the advent of the Internet, because once I realized I didn’t have to go into stores any more (and risk the unflattering changing room light making me realize my uncanny resemblance to Ashley Tisdale), I immediately became an online shopping addict. Anyway, pretend you are shopping, unconcerned about your resemblance to a relatively unsuccessful Disney star, and you are looking for the best…onion.

You’re going to go for the onion that is really yellow and round and seems like it has easily peel-able layers and that most likely won’t make you cry big blubber-y tears, right? This is assuming you are buying a Spanish onion, because those are the yellow ones, and if you bought a really yellow red onion, then I would be concerned for your health. But, focusing, you are picking out the perfect, tasty onion that suits your exact onion needs.

This is how I feel applying for jobs. Like I am an onion. An onion that is kind of off-yellow and smells a little weird and kind of squishes in when you squeeze it. All of my peers here at Vassar are really bright big yellow Spanish onions and I am gray and squishy. “Aw, Lily, don’t get yourself down like that! You are super qualified and very yellow! Be confident!” Okay, thanks, random supportive reader, I appreciate that. I’d like to address your buoyant comments. I really am confident. In fact, according to the Senior Survey I just took, I am “Extremely Confident” about my ability to “look for a suitable job” and to “network.” This has nothing to do with my qualifications. It has to do with my unfounded confidence in my ability to find a job despite being a gray and squishy onion.

What is my experience, you ask? Am I, as you insist, you majestic beacon of support, “super qualified”? Well, I have worked at a summer camp on the Waterfront for the last two summers. I have never had an internship in a related field. Before that, I painted houses for a cranky old man named Glenn who taught me how to carry a really big ladder all on my own. Crankily. So right now, my skills section of my resume reads “threw kids into a really cold ocean, can carry a big ladder.” Squish-ily qualified, to say the least.

Okay, you say, you unicorn of positivity, that’s fine! You still are a ~*Vassar Grad*~! I know, I know, this must be worth something. It is, after all, a top school, according to some arbitrary lists that I found online. Meryl Streep went here, dammit! Justin Long! Lisa Kudrow! Other “famous” academic people who I haven’t ever seen in a movie! I MUST BE OF THE SAME CALIBER!

Ah, you glorious manta ray of hope, no. They, you see, were yellow, round onions. They had talent in the form of acting. They could make people cry in a non-offensive onion way that makes you wear goggles like you are running but are also afraid of having flies fly into your eyes. I, dear friend, only make people cry in the flying flies way. But! All is not lost! Do not think that I am just sitting here complaining about how I can’t be hired, because I only do that on Twitter, where the scum of the earth who lie in wait for something that they can be racist about reside. No, this unbelievably extended onion metaphor is in fact a message of positivity!

For you see, dear beautiful puppy of optimism, eventually, all onions at the supermarket get picked. Someone NEEDS a slightly off-yellow onion for their Parmesan lobster couscous recipe! And that is why I am not Ashley Tisdale. No, I am a off-yellow squishy onion, and I WILL find my weirdo who likes that totally bizarre and disgusting flavor combination and therefore needs me. Have faith, seniors. Have faith. Stop doing Moodle posts, they are a waste of time and you have a job to find.

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