That yellow orb in the sky is the sun, don’t be afraid

This past Saturday, the god of sun decided to bless us with some of those rare vitamin D rays. The weather was perfect, the weekend was in full swing, and one of my friends decided to celebrate by drinking Bacardi 151 alone at eleven in the morning. Despite the fact that this is obviously socially acceptable because it was the first beautiful day of the year, he will remain anonymous, although I’ll give you a hint. He’s from the middle of nowhere in Maine and once crocheted his own recorder case*, an instrument which he plays at the level of “maestro.” After lounging on my lawn and working on burning my pasty Russian thighs, I decided to take a walk to the main quad. It was around noon and, much to my chagrin, the quad was essentially empty. I get that you had a tough night at the Mug, but come on, folks; it’s seventy and sunny! I later heard tales of people partaking in illicit activities such as “going to the library” and “doing homework in my room.” At that point, I realized I needed to write a how-to guide on the topic of nice days at Vassar.

Side-bar: Due to fear of inciting a Reign of Terror-type mania on campus, I must clarify that if you were in the library working on your senior thesis, I love and support you fully.

Okay first off, listen up, underclassmen. I know you rationalize your indoor behavior by telling yourself you have two or three more years at this place. While that may be technically true, the fact of the matter is that in three years, you’ll probably get like sixteen nice days. Thirteen of them will be during finals.

On to more general advice for nice days. Wake up early, burst into your friends’ rooms, jump on their sleeping bodies and scream “It’s mother*cking Christmas, wake the f*ck up.” It doesn’t matter if they celebrate Christmas, the idea is to get adrenaline pumping.

Next step, pick an outfit that shows some skin. Before Saturday, I’d forgotten how much I enjoy a good kneecap or elbow. While exposed joints could lead to your grandmother calling you “a broad,” we here at Vassar are a sexually-liberated folk. Let your freak flag fly and expose that wenis!

Start drinking early. If you’re not into alcohol, or you’re not yet twenty one (wink wink), do not fear. The point of drinking early is to set the scene rather than *gasp* get inebriated. Choose your most bedazzled cup and your craziest straw and flaunt what your mother (impulse decision to purchase personalized cups) gave you.

Throw a football around with your friends. Do your best to conceal the fact that every time someone walks by, you’re checking them out to see if they saw you throw that tight spiral, bro. Smile and laugh a lot so no one knows that this is actually the peak of your current athletic ability.

Side-bar: I think the hipster equivalent of the above situation is making a big show of rolling your own cigarettes on some isolated bench on campus. Tell everyone you only do it because it’s so much cheaper than buying packs at the store. Know deep down you love the way the tobacco matches your beanie which is currently causing you to sweat bullets because, you know, it’s seventy and sunny.

Bring speakers outside and play music. Does anything scream “I’m in college and loving life” like bringing music outdoors? Nope. How are people going to know how f*cking chill you are if they can’t hear you playing Bob Marley? Answer: no one will know how f*cking chill you are if they can’t hear you playing Bob Marley. Be f*cking chill. Play Bob Marley.

If you’re in the THs, start grilling early. I would definitely recommend an ironic apron. When your friends ask you for food, make sure you ask them how they like their meat cooked. Cook everything well-done anyways because, let’s be honest, you are not the grill master you claim to be. Tell everyone your grandpa taught you how to grill when you were seven. This will add a hint of romance to your hot dogs.

Take some time to close your eyes and lay out in the sun. Embrace the fact you’re borderline sexually aroused by sunlight at this point. We all feel it. It’s only natural. Pretend to read something by Faulkner or Nabokov while you’re lying down just so you can be so college. Do not even consider reading a single line of the book in your hands. Work can wait, there’s weather to be enjoyed.

Last, but not least, make sure you enjoy these few nice days with your friends. Awwwwww.


*No, ladies, he is not single. I know, I know, only at Vassar.

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