VC’s Sophie’s Choice: Beer or Meryl Streep

You know the situation: You’re in a Costco with your great-grandmother, casually stealing extra free samples from the cheese case. Suddenly, a thought strikes her and she turns to you and asks you about the mascot of your college. With a mouth full of creamy gouda, you tell her. Then, like everyone else, she responds, “What even is a brewer?” You then take two minutes to explain to her that it is exactly what she thinks it is: a beer brewer, someone who brews beer. “Oh, is that it?” she croaks before taking a nap in the middle of the aisle.

This experience can be confusing and frustrating for all unfortunate parties involved. Today’s image of a brewer isn’t something strong, powerful or glorious like a mascot should be. Instead, the stereotype of a brewer is a skinny, hipster guy in a plaid shirt and glasses who uses words such as “woody,” “glassy” or “hoppy” to describe some malted barley or microbrew only available at the one store in Chinatown. I mean, Matthew Vassar was a brewer, but is that ever relevant? Definitely not when it comes to deciding a school’s mascot.

In order to combat the ridiculous existence of our current “mascot,” a petition has started circulating around campus to change it from a “brewer” to Vassar College alumna/actress/Academy Award winner/superstar/goddess/flawless angel Meryl Streep ’71. The petition began on April 6, 2014 and will be collecting signatures until the end of the school year.

The mascot change would come with many benefits (to students, faculty members, America and, for some unexplainable reason, some cities in Canada), the first of which being ridding the mascot of the beer reference that has deterred donors in the past. Donors are typically hesitant to endorse a school with an alcohol-related mascot, but the amicable feelings delivered due to Meryl’s branding, combined with the lack of alcohol, could cause donations to skyrocket.

The money from these donations could be used in constructive ways, such as renovating a dorm or turning the TH path into a moving sidewalk like those ones that no one really uses in airports.

Athletes are also excited at the prospect of being able to have Meryl’s face on their jerseys. Currently, they are not able to have the brewer on competition gear because of the alcohol reference and NCAA rules. Meryl will eradicate this problem and give a fresh new face to Vassar sports teams. SAAC (Student-athlete Advisory Committee) has dreamed up jerseys with The Deer Hunter Meryl for regular games and The Devil Wears Prada Meryl for championships. The new mascot would also be allowed at games where our giant styrofoam stein has never been before. The stack of applications to play Streep as mascot at games and events is already over 100 sheets thick, and rapidly growing.

It seems that the idea chimes with everyone. When asked, Streep states, “I’m surprised this hasn’t already happened, I mean, I really am the only logical choice.”

Some variations on the mascot have been Meryl’s head on a womp womp’s body or putting Streep and Lisa Kudrow into the app that blends faces together, but Meryl seems to have gained the most momentum.

The change in mascot would increase donations to the school, heal sore relationships, increase student morale and give us all a warm fuzzy feeling. To sign the petition, send Cappy an email with the subject, ‘Down with the Brewers, Meryl for Mascot!”

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