Lilian Doyle, Esq. passes down years of VC wisdom

As my family, close friends, periphery friends, potential employers, professors and my hairdresser keep reminding me, I’m graduating from college in a month! How great. I have, as my Federal Exit Loan Counseling recommended, finished college. This will increase my ability to make money and thus, pay off those loans at the low, low cost of 800 percent interest and my commitment to live in a refrigerator box for the next 10 years.

Of course, with graduation comes mixed feelings towards freshmen: an unstoppable bitterness combined with parental-like love. This makes my 100-level Political Science class almost unbearable, because I want to smother them all with love, but also just to regularly smother them. The freshmen in that class, and also the freshmen who were making out against a wall in my house Friday night, have inspired me to benevolently dispense my hard-earned wisdom to all of you, whether you have one year left or three.

1) Make out against the wall of your own room. Go there. You have a bed. You have a bed that the school is providing for you. You’re not paying rent. In fact, if you are, you have even more of an incentive to take advantage of the nice walls for which you are paying. In fact, I even support making out outside of my house, on the golf course, in Rocky or on the roof of Walker Field House. Pretty much anywhere that isn’t on top of where I like to eat eggs in the morning. Yeah, I eat my eggs off the wall, what of it?

2) Probably don’t write a thesis. Disclaimer: I know many people who wrote one and they were very happy and proud. As my big capstone of Senior year/my college career/my parents’ hard earned money, I have really improved dramatically at the time-honored sport of shotgunning. Yes, I believe that skill will exponentially increase any possibility of me getting hired next year. Of course, I really only recommend not writing a thesis if you are as down for debauchery as I am. If you’re like nah, Lily, I like the library and its stupid lack of vending machines, and also I only go out every third Saturday, and going out to eat with friends is the worst, and also sunshine or garlic will literally destroy me—then probably just write one.

3) Try to be Jean-Luc in all things.

4) Invest in some stretchy pants. Men, this is directed at you, too. I like a good pair of thunder thighs (you can find me hiding in the bushes at track meets clutching my binoculars searching desperately for some juicy thigh meat. None to be found). Regardless of if you are writing a thesis, your intake of junk food will probably steadily increase as the pressures of the future do. Job interview? 12 Oreos. Checking your bank account? Six beers. Writing a five-page paper for your aforementioned 100-level class in the field of your major? Everything in your fridge as an act of procrastination because you already know everything, man.

5) Stop drinking Crystal Palace and Castillo. Please. For the children.

6) Go to office hours. Seriously, you guys. Stop arguing with me. Go to them. I don’t care that you are “really busy” with your rehearsal and memorizing Foucault and talking about things that are “so problematic.” Go see your professors. They are all so nice and they actually really want to help you, even if they throw things at you in class or get mad about how loudly you type. They will probably ask you about your life and give you some kind of personal validation that you could never get from your parents. Worth it.

7) Sriracha on pizza.

 

Bonus: Highly recommended tip is pinning this article to your wall, maybe framing it, but definitely cherishing it forever and passing it down through the years so that my memory at Vassar never fades.

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