The Miscellany News

Hello there, Class of 2018, and welcome to Camp Vassar!

Freshman Orientation is a time when you get to awkwardly socialize with your fellow group (yay!), awkwardly socialize with your pre-major advisor (brief shout-out to Amitava Kumar!) and simply exist in all of your awkward glory before classes start/the rest of the student body arrives. If you do not currently think you are an awkward person, (which, if you’ve ever looked at your reflection in a mirror, you’d never think that statement is true) BELIEVE ME, orientation will change that. Or if you are anything like I was and think you’re making it through the week without committing too many social faux pas, you will later realize how mistaken you are.

So, without further ado, here is everything Susan Zlotnick won’t tell you about how to survive your Freshman Orientation 2014.

Poppin’ Molly, YOU SWEATIN’

First and foremost, it will be HOT AS HELL weather-wise (doesn’t “August in Poughkeepsie” sound pleasant?). Your dorm will not be air-conditioned and there’s only so much that fan you bought at Bed, Bath and Beyond can do, BB.

So when it comes to getting ready in the morning, remember to dress accordingly. Realize that in approximately one hour your eyeliner will have melted, and it may or may not look like you’ve been punched in the face. Also realize that you will be forced into social situations where you and everyone around you are sweating profusely. Don’t fight it. It’ll only make you as sweaty and hot as a Womp Womp in heat.

Fellow Groups

Look around you: these are the people with whom you will be sharing a bathroom  for the next eight months. Are there any athletes? Lactose-intolerants? Vegans? Regardless, your bathroom will reek. Sorry.

Just remember: You will be living in VERY close quarters with these people. Fellowcest is always a no-go, and, besides, you will see each and every one of these people in their respective mouth retainers. Seductive? Maybe not. And about that one person who’s decided to embrace his new, inner-hipster and take up the banjo/guitar/uke? This instrument will become as much a part of your fellow group as its owner.

Your Student Fellow

This is a person whose job it is to wear brightly colored socks and/or leggings, and offers you guidance. Crying in their shoulder is not only encouraged, it’s mandatory.

The All-Campus Dining Center

Some call it the ACDC. Others call it the Deece. I call it home. You will be spending a lot of time here because, unfortunately, dining bucks aren’t endless.  Be prepared for mediocre food in its all-you-can-eat splendor. Squander your fear of the stir-fry station early and relish in Brad’s Granola, because most days, these will be the only edible options (We love you, Brad!) But be warned: a line will form at the stir-fry station, meaning an entire audience will watch as you drop shit, burn and cry your way to a complete meal.

Arlington Amble

This is a time when you get to walk around the three-block area directly off-campus and stores give you free food. In a few months, remind yourself how you once ate free Twisted Soul.

Anything that takes place in the Chapel

All I remember from Fall Convocation is that I was sitting on a wooden bench in the chapel for about an hour as sweat poured down my back. And I mean poured. Pro-tip: Fold the program they pass out at the beginning into a nifty fan! Very Pinterest.

It’s Friday Night (This is How We Do)

Going out is great during orientation because basically everyone on campus is a freshman and, like you, has zero-clue what they are doing. And I really mean none. You have a few options here: A) you can follow a herd of freshmen as they meander around the THs, looking for signs of life, B) Go to that one room in Cushing or Joss where you know you can get #bellig (watch out for Mustachio) or C) go to the doors of The Mug—it won’t be open yet—and look into the dark hole that will define a huge part of your social life for the next four years. Use this only as a last resort. Or a first resort. You’re ridin’ solo now, you call the shots!

#FacebookFamous Freshmen

These are the people who posted a shit ton onto the admitted students’ facebook page. You know who you are. If you have to ask whether or not you’re #FacebookFamous, you most likely aren’t. Sucks.

There you have it, freshpeople. Be good, and just know UpC opens rull soon!