Eleven quotes not pulled from Buzzfeed: a ‘listicle’

I refuse to use the term “listicle,” unless I’m explicitly condemning the term “listicle,” as I am here. It makes me think of some sort of unhealthy growth that you spend a few months not worrying about until your friend says, “Hey man, you should really think about getting that checked out.” Anyway, here’s a “listicle” of quotes that have shaped my year so far, in no particular order.

 

1.“Karaoke night in Billy Bob’s might be one of the funniest things on earth.” – said by me, over text, to a friend. Vassar’s nightlife is an isolated one, defined by parties in the THs (registered, of course); heading to an underground faux-club to dance shamelessly to Britney Spears songs (it’s not Middle School Mug Night if we weren’t in middle school when these songs came out); and drinking five-dollar wine in a dorm room with some friends while listening to Hall & Oates (actually the most likely of the three to get you written up…Security hates Hall & Oates). Unlike other schools I’ve visited, Vassar students put little to no emphasis on adventuring outside of campus with friends on a Saturday night. I found out last Saturday that this is for good reason. I nursed a beer in quiet fear as a Poughkeepsie resident not doing the ponytail/patchy-beard combo justice serenaded me and my friends with a rendition of some obscure song from the eighties.

 

2.“Am I getting written up for this?” – me, on a cool Sunday morning, to a Security officer asking for my ID. I had recently set off a whole TA block of fire alarms by cooking breakfast sausages without opening any windows. I didn’t get written up, only a few dirty looks (middle fingers and a solid hock of spit, too), and I’m now acutely aware of how sensitive the smoke detectors are. A person with one lung puffing on a stepped-on cigarette could produce more smoke than those sausages did.

 

3.“Can I use your slingshot?” – me again, to two other seniors on the day of Serenading. They told me to aim at a window, but due to a malfunction that likely came from me and not the slingshot, I nailed an underclassman in the face with a water balloon. At least it wasn’t filled with ketchup. Or worse.

 

4.“What’s this brown stuff all over your fridge?” – my dad, during my parents’ first visit to my TA this semester from the faraway land of Queens. The culprit ended up being a poorly-placed watermelon, but you have no idea how many horrific scenarios crossed through my mind.

 

5.“It’s a little too early to think about that.” – my housemate, upon being asked if he was going to replace his credit cards after not finding his wallet for two days. (I bet you thought this was about graduation.) Other honorable mentions from this friend of mine include “I’m supplementing” when being asked why he was cooking cabbage while we were waiting for the pizza delivery man, and “I refuse to give them my real name,” said while filling out the apparently intensive (and paranoia-inducing) athletics medical forms.

 

6.“Congratulations!” – two or three Snapchats that 1. made me consider that it perhaps was a little ambiguous to send out a picture of me in a cap and gown on Convocation Day and 2. made me realize that I hadn’t talked to those kids in a long, long time.

 

7.“Who put their napkin in the ravioli?” – me, during our first TA family dinner.

 

8.“You’re not the first person I’ve had to do this to.” – the Sony Playstation customer service rep, talking to me over the phone as I wiped my entire corrupted PS3 hard drive, 60+ hours of Grand Theft Auto V and all. Guess my parents were right when they said I wouldn’t be playing too many video games while at school.

 

9.“You know they charge you for putting nails in the wall, right?” – my housemate, upon seeing the No Offense poster displayed in our living room. If I were Buzzfeed, I’d insert a GIF of the Shmoney Dance, hat toss required, as my reaction to this question. (Look it up.)

 

10.“It gets a little cold in here sometimes.” – me, in my “new” air-conditioned TA, said to a friend living in an old TA. I now have a black eye.

 

11.“You’re screwed.” – me, applicable in a number of senior situations, but said to my two rower housemates after the implementation of the new guest swipe count. No one feels like making barely-smoking breakfast sausages after rowing ten miles.

 

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