On April 8, 2014, VCTV broke ground and shook the Vassar community to its core with the premiere of “The Witness.” We at The Miscellany News—and the majority of the student body, we’re sure—were left hungering for more after the first season’s final episode aired over the summer. So many questions left unanswered: What became of Ellie and Hank’s relationship? Are Vince and Carlos destined for more than a mere bromance? Will Lens Cap remember to remove the fucking lens cap? But, most of all, how will The Witness continue to be a valued paper of record with such tumultuous shenanigans taking place behind the scenes? Fear not, readers, and STOP THE PRESSES—I have pulled every string imaginable (and have done some dirty deeds) to give you this exclusive first look at “The Witness: Season Two.”
INT. RONALD’S DORM ROOM
RONALD is typing furiously away on his Macbook wannabe while his UNNAMED FUCKBUDDY sits cross-legged on his bed like a toddler. She waits to act on her character motivation, which is to say she waits for him to give her a cue to act on that motivation.
Yes, yes, finally I will get the attention I deserve. Tried to keep me down by placing me in Opinions, Hank? Thought I wasn’t good enough, Paula? You’ll all see. The Witness will see!
Ronald, remind again why you wanted to leave the paper?
I’m sick of being just an executive editor and want to be an Executive Editor on the Executive Staff. That’s it. That’s my motivation. It’s pretty transparent actually, gosh. I thought you wanted me to start my own paper.
Oh. I thought that by being more supportive I could move up to wifey status and maybe even get an actual name. But alas—
(returns to typing into Microsoft Publisher)
Hehe, yeah whatever. I gotta get this to print before The Witness does. Look out, Witness plebs, Ron-Ron’s on the move.
INT. THE WITNESS NEWSROOM—NO CLUE WHAT TIME OF DAY OR NIGHT IT IS
Ten people with unidentifiable responsibilities meander around the room, thumbtacking images and cutouts from other publications to the wall because layout. VINCE and CARLOS are in close conversation with SPLOLANSKI, whose camera is yet again broken because comedy. ELLIE sits, staring intently at a scrap of paper when HANK, the Editor-in-Chief with a questionable amount of authority (or lack thereof), walks in.
Ellie, do you have a minute to talk? You look very busy, I don’t want to disrupt you from any important matters. I may be the man behind the curtain, but I am in no way your overlord nor do I want you to think of me as such. Even if it’s…kinky.
Oh not at all. I’ve been “editing” this article for the last two hours just so no one will bother me. Mostly I’ve been scribbling until this pen runs out of ink. It was one of Paula’s tricks. And since I kinda run this shit now, no one questions a damn thing. But really, why would I need to do this by hand when we have all these laptops floating around, you know?
Are…are you kidding?
Look, Ellie, I wanted to talk about what transpired the other night. Between us. When we, you know, made nice. Pleasures of the flesh are a wonderful thing, but they have a tendency to make a workplace environment kinda icky. Let’s not be awks about any of this, OK?
They are; it’s palpable.
(whispering to Carlos)
Have you noticed that Ellie and Hank are looking a little snug lately? You don’t think they did it in here, do you?
(brushing his fingertips along Vince’s cheek)
Oh come now, bro. You know as well as I do that they’re not the first people in the history of The Witness to throw passion to the wind and boink in this newsroom.
And they certainly won’t be the last.
(winks at camera)
SPLOLANKSI, who didn’t catch on to any of VINCE or CARLOS’ suggestive dialogue because she was occupied with trying to figure out how to take her lens cap off, is on the verge of making a comment about the state of her shitty photography skills when PAULA runs into the office.
(winded and jet-lagged)
Stop the presses!
(mumbling to himself)
Wow, give someone authority to say that one time and they run with it. You don’t even go here anymore. It’s my newspaper. I am journalism. Me. Mine. My paper. I’m Editor-in-Chief. Me. Me. Me.
Paula, what are you doing back so soon? Everyone thought you went abroad even though it was never explicitly stated at any point in the show where you were going or why.
The entire newsroom is focused on PAULA now, except for VINCE, who is now sitting on CARLOS’ lap. The two are spinning around in CARLOS’ chair, tightly embracing and promising to never let one another go. No one notices a damn thing.
Hey, my sister, your girlfriend, whose name I can’t seem to remember, and I’m pretty sure you don’t actually know it either, wanted you to stay! You left, but now you’re back. She’ll be so happy!
I was relaxing and sunbathing my troubles away on the warm sands of La Concha Beach when I received word from one of my little birdies here on campus. Everyone, Ronald has left The Witness. So I’m pretty sure you don’t have an Opinions section this week.
Oh shit. I should have noticed that.
Well, Hank what the hell were you doing? Jerking off?
HANK flashbacks to him and ELLIE awkwardly making out on top of his desk in a way that no one in real life has probably ever done. ELLIE has the same flashback; she blushes. VINCE and CARLOS are now in full-makeout mode right now. No one notices a damn thing.
(gives a nod of approval to HANK and ELLIE)
Anyway. Ronald has also committed an even greater act of treason. He’s starting a new paper on campus, which has definitely never happened ever in the history of The Witness’ existence. This is serious shit, for some reason.
INT. RONALD’S DORM ROOM
I shall call you: The Chronicle!
CREDITS ROLL. VC WEEPS.
[TO BE CONTINUED]