The Misc Guide to: taking the perfect Snapchat selfie

On Sunday, Sept 28, a young, naive Vassar student clicked the send button on the most important Snapchat in selfie history. This almost un-screenshot-able Snap lasted about one second and caused unsuspecting recipients to experience a spectrum of emotions. “At first, I was appalled,” explained one of her Snapchat friends. “Then, I began to feel a bit confused. How could someone distort her face so much?”

Many who received the picture, friends and acquaintances alike, initially questioned whether it was Photoshopped. Others wondered if the picture was of someone else. The selfie-taker’s Snapchat best friends began to question if they even really knew her. “I couldn’t recognize her,” her number one best friend said, with tears in his eyes. “Do I even deserve this best friend status?”

After these negative reactions, however, came an overwhelming feeling of joy. The selfie was just weird enough to bring happiness to all who had a chance to view it.

One viewer claimed that it changed her life. “It brought meaning to my boring, essay-filled days,” she said. “Now, whenever I’m in a bad mood, I remember her selfie, and there is an instant smile on my face.”

Before this selfie was taken, the sender had been a rather boring Snapchatter. Her “My Story” snaps were filled with pictures and videos of womp-womps (groundhogs…? whatever), Mug nights and various locations in the library. Her selfies were either of her smiling face or a casual wide-eyed duck face. In fact, many of her Snapchat friends became bored of her Snaps. “I was so happy when I found out that I could just click through her ‘My Story,’” one of her friends explained. “Instead of sitting through hundreds of seconds of her awful pictures, I only had to deal with them for fractions of seconds.”

That Sunday, she changed her whole Snapchat style, and it made all the difference. When asked for her story, the pro-Snapchatter denied to make any comments. Luckily, I was able to view a screenshot of the legendary photo. After hours of analyzing this picture, I have been able to come up with a foolproof guide to taking the perfect Snapchat selfie.

The first step is to find the perfect background. This could mean anything from blank walls to crazy statues and incomprehensible art. Some people search the whole world before discovering an adequate background, but I believe in you.

As you search for this background, you must keep the lighting in mind. The best is when the sun or a lamp is shining straight into your face. This way, the rays make your facial features barely visible. You can tell that you have found the right spot when you can only see your eyes, the outline of your nose and your mouth.

When taking Snapchats on campus, there are many, many prime locations. The aforementioned Snapchatter chose one of my favorite locations: a table by the window on the left side of the Deece, during lunch time. 10/10 would definitely recommend, but everyone has their preferred Snapchat spot. You need to search for yours.

However, you cannot rely solely on location for a successful Snap. Facial expression and body language are crucial. The weirder your actions, the better the photo. The screenshot I studied includes many sure-to-please features. People have said the eyes are the windows to the soul. This rule cannot be forgotten in the Snapchatting world. Some methods to success include “Squint Like I Can’t See Anything Because I’m Most-Likely High” and “Roll Your Eyes to the Back of Your Head” eyes. My favorite is the last one. It’s pretty much my face.

The next step is to distort your mouth. If you are unsure of what motions to make with your yapper, just pretend you are doing just that! Pretend you are saying really disturbing words like “moist,” “phlegm,” “spew,” “Republican” and “panties.” If that makes you too uncomfortable, some safe options are sticking your tongue out or sticking your bottom teeth out farther than you upper teeth.

Lastly, there is one really important thing to remember about Snapchatting. A good-enough picture will need neither a caption nor a filter. The speed and temperature functions may be tempting, but do not let them seduce you. The combination of face and setting should be enough to get your intended message out, loud and clear. With these amazing tips and tricks, you are sure to up your Snapchat score and become the most screenshotted person in your friend group. Along with that, your level of popularity will go from 0 to 60 in 3.5 (Hey, Rihanna!). Grab your phone, get your face ready and prepare to have your life changed forever.

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