Halloween used to be a simpler time—kind of like Valentine’s Day, when you were obligated to buy everyone in the class a Rocket Power or Wishbone Valentine so no one was left questioning their self-worth or feeling self conscious about their lack of sexual experiences. Eighth grade was rough…
When you’re younger, it’s okay to fall back on one of those musty store-bought witch or pirate costumes, because you’re expected to make poor decisions at that age. If you were to do the same as an adult (assuming you consider the 18-22 age range adulthood, because I don’t, you can’t make me, I’m still a kid, so what if I sleep with a stuffed Collie I made at Build-A-Bear Workshop when I was 12 and I just turned 22 less than a week ago, that’s my business, shut up), you’d be looked at like the Grinch who didn’t give a fuck. And sure, there’s nothing wrong with that, but at college, we try to do everything bigger and better. (Sorry if you didn’t get the memo, by the way. It was one of those matchbook-sized fliers you receive in your campus box every couple of weeks that make the mailroom employees sob.)
The point is, you need to step up your game, VC. I know, I know, you’re as apathetic as Garfield is about most topics that aren’t lasagna. Fortunately for you, I’m here to give you six costume ideas that none of your friends will even consider, thereby making you the special snowflake of the witching season.
Now I’m not talking about dressing up as a beer bottle or even a “sexy” beer can. There’s nothing original about that, though who am I to tell you not to be sexually attracted to a can of beer? Anyway, what you need to do is learn how to craft your own brew. Then, while you’re pregaming whichever Halloween event you choose to attend, you take a bath in the liquid. Make sure you do so fully clothed, getting the fabric nice and soggy. A Vassar t-shirt is preferable, but feel free to improvise. Note: Do not dry off, it ruins the effect.
Your Roommate’s Questionably Crunchy Sock
This might seem a bit obscene, but stick with me. After all, isn’t Halloween about exploring the truly terrifying world around us? And what’s more terrifying than finding a crunchy sock touching your belongings, especially when it’s not yours? For this one, dye a potato sack white and jump into it. Get it nice and sticky (it’s up to you to figure out how). To capture the unique scent, roll around in some salty water that was used for boiling chicken. This one is sure to get some screams!
Pick up your favorite twigs, leaves and pinecones from around campus and smash them into your body until they stick. You know it’s working when you draw blood. Remember: There’s no honey in Brad’s granola, so using any kind of adhesive is a cop-out. If you wind up using any, feel bad about yourself for not getting into the holiday spirit.
Bacio’s Garlic Knot
Only for the most flexible, the garlic knot is an excellent costume to throw on if you love garlic and have no desire to get laid. Go the extra mile and wear a tinfoil skirt around your waist to really capture the essence of a Bacio’s dining experience. If you aren’t flexible, don’t fret! Get into a fetal position—all Vassar students know what that’s like!—and have somebody push you around campus in a silver wheelbarrow.
Go to the copy center on campus and make a poster-sized version of your VCard. Wear it around your neck. The key is to throw yourself behind a bush, into a puddle, the trash can or some other unreasonable hiding space. Be unassuming about it, though. WARNING: You might stay there for a while until someone finds you and turns you into security. It’s possible you’ll miss out on the entire semester or your Vassar career. BUT—you win the night if you manage to lose your “V” card while losing your VCard.
The Registrar’s Office
Stand in a corner of the room with a decent amount of sunlight. Be bitter and seething if anyone asks you a question.