Late Night at the Retreat spurs ‘Late Night’ frenzy

On the night before Halloween, Late Night at the Retreat debuted to critical acclaim from sober students, other students and one Poughkeepsie resident who thought he was in a McDonald’s. The fanfare was at such a fervor by the end of Halloweekend that college administrators wasted no time in debuting a number of other late-night demos over the course of the next few days, encouraging students to give more money to the school at a faster rate.

Evening Deece-goers found themselves treated to Late Night at the Deece, whose name has been used in the past but never as permanently as now. At the stroke of 8:30 p.m., the Deece workers locked the food up and left the premises, while state-of-the-art metal bars locked in all the students who had already swiped in for the next five hours. One student described the experience simply as “horrifying.” Another student said of the night, “A few sophomores got the frozen yogurt machine to work, which for me made it different than all the other times I’ve been in the Deece. A lot of us kept eating that for the five hours we were trapped there. Hey, would you happen to know what a stomach ulcer is supposed to feel like?” A third student had a more positive reaction, stating, “I feel like I’m still there,” before bursting into what looked like tears of joy. Vassar students can expect Late Night at the Deece immediately following dinner hours every Monday, Tuesday and on random surprise nights.

Late Night at the Kiosk, which is now open on weeknights from 1:30 a.m. to 3:30 a.m., also came into effect. The lone student standing in line at the grand opening said, “I needed to see if this was real.” I laughed hysterically at her comment without saying anything, turned around, and was exposed to a new atmosphere not available during regular Kiosk hours. Students can expect cold to lukewarm coffee and water from the previous day’s activities, as well as 16 variations of pumpkin spice beverages all year round from Kiosk overlord Starbucks, and no other beverage options. Late Night at the Kiosk is additionally sponsored by Barnes & Noble, feeling left out after its split from the College Store, whose contributions are offering students black-market textbooks at “low, low prices,” free gift-wrapping and advance prototypes of the new Nook Paperweight Edition. A disheartened but hopeful Barnes & Noble spokesperson at the opening had this to slur: “What’s so wrong about wanting to stare at what used to be? They can call it a science lab, but many happy years of marriage happened down there. We’re allowed to see the kids every once in a while still. What, you don’t think so? Give me my fucking bottle back.”

Late Night at the Kiosk is joined in its operating hours by Late Night at Express Lunch, which serves only Code Red Mountain Dew with its sandwiches and has made the exciting decision to slip a cold beer into the bag of any student servers believe “doesn’t suck.”

The most fun this reporter had during the demo week, however, took place at Late Night at Matthew’s Bean, happening on Sundays at 2 a.m. until sunrise for any students in the library’s After Hours Study Space. While working on a group project for a class I wasn’t in, I witnessed a crew of Matthew’s Bean baristas offering adrenaline shots to the heart for those present, a welcome alternative to boring espresso. After writing an opera and ordering 27 items on Amazon, I interviewed one of the baristas, who gave me a strange look when asked why he thought Vassar initiated this particular late-night option. He replied, “We do this every week. What are you, a freshman? Wait, this isn’t going in the newspaper or something, is it?”

College administrators are looking into expanding the late-night motif into more than campus dining, with Late Night at Baldwin coming onto the scene at the end of last week. Students can now, from the hours of 11 p.m. to 1 a.m., consult, at no immediate charge, three “physicians” and one trained physician regarding any stomach illness brought about by Late Night at the Retreat. I’m now locked out of my final pre-registration because of the delayed Late Night at Baldwin balance on my student account, but now I know that eating 30 buffalo wings isn’t a good idea, boneless or not. Other future undertakings will include Late Night at the Farm (it’s deer culling season!), Late Night at the Old Laundry Building, and Late Night at Cappy’s, which I hear will be an alternative for students (and those one or two professors) tired of the Mug.

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