Dear Banner,
How does one cope with their parents over winter break? I love them, really I do, and I would never ever (I mean EVER) wish harm upon them. But you know when you’re trying to live your life and you’re feeling your look and want to show the world, but then your parents basically have like no chill and really ruin everything? So, like, what the hell am I supposed to do?
Sincerely,
Will Parents Ever Understand?
Dear Delusional,
It’s scientific fact that parents will never understand; that’s how the world functions. But maybe try to help them out—wash dishes, clean around the house, watch your porn with headphones on. Then you can feel your look in peace and maybe they will have some chill or something.
Dear Banner,
We all know the struggle of Finals Week, right? You rid your body of sleep and pump out pages of bullshit hoping to land a mediocre GPA so that maybe one day you can land a spot in a Ph.D program on a really niche area of academia so that hole in your heart left behind by the father who abanded you eons ago will finally be filled. What’s some good tips on improving my sleep hygiene?
Help,
Sleepless in Sandusky
Dear Sleepless,
You might be barking up the tree as Banner doesn’t get much sleep ever. Dark times, I tell you. I’ve seen better days. You could try staying up for 24 hours until your brain turns to ash. Or, like a professor once said, get some whiskey (or bourbon!) and drink until you pass out. Happy sleeping!
Dearest Banner,
I will be back on campus soon and I’m having nightmares about it, to be honest. I’m not ready to face the dreaded Deece. As a freegan, I do all of my own cooking and food prep using what I find from the dumpster outside of my local Piggly Wiggly. But this blasted capitalistic society we live in requires me to pay for a meal plan I don’t want. What’s a healthy growing boy with an appetite and hunger for activism to do?
Yours,
All-Natural Living
Dear All-Natural,
Vassar kids are notorious for wasting food. Clearly you want to avoid the Deece at all cost, so I suggest you go frolicking through the TA dumpsters. There you’ll find enough half-eaten rotisserie-style chickens and beer residue for a scrumptuous meal. Bless.
Banner!
Ugh. Hi. I hate people from the past, don’t you? Ugh. They knew me from before I became this upstanding specimen of human I am now. Back then I said the n-word and now I share articles combatting racism on Facebook. You see how much I’ve changed? Anyway. What would you recommend I do when I’m home for the holidays and I bump into an old high school classmate? This is becoming problematic.
Signed,
New Year, New Me
Dear Same You,
Visting home means dealing with past demons. Your former friend circle ceases to exist in your mind, so it sucks to see them. After all, you left so you’re better than them, right? Perhaps lock yourself up in a box next time until your trip is done. You’re worth it.