VC Gossip Girl provides 13 tips for the aspiring socialite

Instead of reading Wikipedia Articles about feline AIDS or the victrola as I am wont to do, I spent my break thinking about the Upper East Side and what kind of fart I am (Loud and Proud, for the record). As a result I shaved off days from my life by watching “Gossip Girl” and roaming Buzzfeed. So, here is my homage to the two things that got me through this break in the form of a “Gossip Girl” listicle.

 

The 13 Things I Learned From “Gossip Girl”:

  1. I should have been Gossip Girl. If you don’t watch GG, then all you need to know is that it is a “drama” about rich white teens living in Manhattan and the chaos that ensues when an anonymous source posts things on her blog/website. She is the Gossip Girl and she is annoying. If I were her I wouldn’t be cheeky or refer to people by the letters of their first name (though I can see how that would be helpful for libel suits). Usuing my flawless creativity I’d come up with stupid nicknames for everyone (Blair Waldork, for example) and act like a mom. I would first express my disappointment in them, offer them advice and, lastly, subtly imply I wish I’d never given birth to them in the first place.

 

  1. Rumors are the food of life. Without them, we would all be mindless zombies watching “The Big Bang Theory” or “Two and a Half Men,” chuckling to ourselves wondering where our lives have gone. My mom says that gossip is bad, but the amount of gossip and the amount of money on that show has to be proportional to each other, right? The more rumors you spread the richer and better of a person you become.

 

  1. Money might not buy “happiness” but that’s overrated, money is perfect and capitalism is flawless.

 

  1. Revenge is a dish best served with a cliché one-liner.

 

  1. When plotting for said revenge, don’t trust anyone. Misconceptions are the number one downfall of all conspiracies.

 

  1. Also, don’t forget to have a Plan B. It should involve as much slapping and/or punching as possible.

 

  1. Drama is the most fun when you’re a bystander. Make popcorn.

 

  1. When making out with your significant other, scan the perimeter because there will always be someone taking pictures on their phone in a super obvious manner.

 

  1. Do as I say, not as I do: don’t tell anyone you watch “Gossip Girl.” Suprisingly they won’t make fun of you to your face, but they will try and talk to you about it. Yuck. If you don’t like talking people make sure they know nothing about you whatsoever.

 

  1. No matter how many times or how loudly you yell at them, these characters are still going to make horrific choices. I’ve been attempting this strategy since birth, but watching these doofi (plural of doofus) on GG has made me realize that rich fictional people will do what they want. It just so happens that what they want involves being idiots. All you can ever do is close your eyes, cover your ears and pray to whatever deity you believe in that Blair or Serena or Whoever doesn’t eff everything up again. Sometimes you just have to trust they will make the right decisions; it’s like raising children. Watching GG or any TV show or movie is like raising really difficult children who don’t listen to you no matter what. I’m not “too invested,” you’re just not invested enough, in my opinion.

 

  1. The hotter a character is, the more evil they are. *Fans self* If you see someone and think “Whoa nelly this person is very, very good-looking” stay as far away as possible. If you yourself are very, very good-looking, I’m already 50 ft away, admiring you in fear.

 

  1. Preppies are the worst. Ugh.

 

  1. Apparently, Brooklyn is really far and inaccesible from Manhattan. I don’t pay attention to NYC geography, so sue me.

 

This has been my most productive thus far. I am a freshman, though, so whatever. Envy me.

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