I have never had a Valentine. This is not to say I’ve had an entirely bae-less existence devoid of love and romance, but my great romantic conquests have never coincided with V-Day. As such, I have cultivated an expertise in spending Valentine’s Day alone—happy or not! If you are like me, bae-less and broke, rejoice, for I have the ultimate guide to the worst day of the year.
- Don’t leave your room. This is a very important tip, and the one you must absolutely not break. If you leave your room, you may be accidentally subjected to love, and no one wants that when they are trying to ignore that love exists for those lucky few. Also, leaving your room is fraught with many other perilous things besides love. Like people in general. Life. Potential happiness. Staying in your room is key.
- Order in. I recommend doing this with another single friend. Every year, my friend and I order sushi and eat it on the floor and probably spill soy sauce on our shirts because we’re past judgement. I recommend starting a V-Day tradition that will continue through the ages. Last year, we even hiked through the snowstorm because Sushi Village wouldn’t deliver. That’s dedication. That’s friendship. And that’s love, dammit.
- If you don’t have a friend to eat with, order pizza or Chinese. Something super fattening but filling and lovely and warm. Because, let’s be honest, you won’t have someone to share your bed with, so you’re probably a little chilly and you can afford to gain 5 lbs. My V-Day is judgement free.
- Stock up on chocolate and ice cream, because you’ll be eating a lot of that. I prefer anything not red and not heart-shaped. Classic Ben & Jerry’s always does the trick. However, make sure you get these necessities before the 14th. See tip #1.
- Adopt a cat. Or five. Because cats will tolerate you unconditionally and, truthfully, that’s all we want from a relationship. Also, they’re warm and fuzzy and when there is a high of 17 degrees (source: weather.com) there is nothing wrong with a little more warm and fuzzy. And if you’re not into cats, A) do you have a soul? and B) get five of whatever animal you prefer: dogs, bunnies, snakes, etc. Just something warm. And if you’re allergic, then get five pairs of socks and roll around in them.
- Don’t go see “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Not even ironically. Or if ironically, sneak in. Don’t fund it. It’s a glorification of abuse and even the actors have said don’t see it. I’m not sure what else to say about it, but just save your money for more chocolate and sushi. And that pack of socks you’re going to snuggle up to when you’re not leaving your room and need some kind of warmth.
- On that note, don’t watch a rom-com. It’ll just make you more sad that you are spending the day of love alone and loveless. I recommend something more fun, like “Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier”! Because crying about Bucky Barnes is far more enjoyable than crying about your impending status as a spinster.
- Alternatively, get really drunk. Like go in on some tequila shots. Because nothing says “Single on Valentines Day” like an EMS call, and this guarantees you at least one hug.
- Ultimately, just snuggle up with a best friend or go out and have fun because you’re single and you can mingle and love is overrated. I’ve gone my whole life without it! And look at how stable I am! This could be you.