Ask Banner: Haiku Edition of the Misc’s “weekly” “advice” column

My Dear Banner,
I thought once Valentine’s Day had passed, I would stop doting on the subject of love as much as I do. And yet, it seems like every day I wake up consumed by this great feeling of loneliness (LOL?). I know it’s not a big deal, or it least it shouldn’t be. So what if I’m 22 and I’ve never been in a relationship? So what if the last thing I kissed on the lips was the gerbil I owned in the 3rd grade (and her subsequent death was the result of my sitting on her cage while high on Whip-Its)? So what if I still sleep with a macaroni portrait of said gerbil taped on the underside of my pillow? Should I feel any shame?
SOS,
Lonely Del Ray

Dear Lonely,
Love will come to all
(That’s the standard spiel we’re told)
Maybe not for you

Banner,
Vassar revealed how much it hates me today. But doesn’t Vassar hate me every day? Wait, don’t answer that. When my three best friends all decided they’d rather live in a Main suite than share a TA with my shower-once-a-week ass, I thought, OK, fair. So I reached out to three less-than-stellar friends, who I guess I could see myself living with if it were between them and, like, living with mountain lions. I finally completed my group of four and was ready to take on the TAs next year. Alas, Vassar did not agree. How do I find a fifth “friend” to fill the slot when I ultimately suck so hard as a person?
Signed,
With A Little Help From My Who?

Dear Friendless,
Living with strangers
Would be an awful mistake
Only on their part
Hi Banner,
Are you well? Good, that makes one of us. I can’t for the life of me shake this blasted cold. It’s been an on-and-off thing since, oh I don’t know, December? November? I’ve lost count, and, what with all the sneezing, coughing, bleeding and oozing, I’m not much sure what year it is, let alone the day. My housemates are pretty annoyed with me—they say I get my icky germs on all the dishes, toothbrushes and packs of opened salami. I can’t help it that my sneeze has got some reach! I’m pretty proud of it, but I’m not into this whole ‘being a social pariah’ thing. Can you help me cure my sickness?
Best,
So Sick

Dear Icky Vicky,
When it’s time to sneeze
Remember that Banner says,
“Plug your fucking nose”
Dear Banner,
I honestly don’t know how I’m going to make it. Don’t even mention graduation! From where I’m standing I’m convinced graduation is a myth they tell children to trick them into going to college. I swear this is limbo and we’re all trapped here until we decide to eat one another alive. And to top it all off, I have a thesis. I know, Banner, you’re probably spraying your venom all over my words over such a foolish decision. I admit I was not thinking clearly when I signed on to research and write about the intersectionality of race and class in “My Little Pony.” Any words of advice?
Thank you thank you thank you,
Thesis Chokehold

Dear Choked,
Banner wants to help
He truly, honestly does
But, dude, you are screwed

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