10 Ways You Know You’re Going Too Hard In Your Intramural Sport

Intramural sports are a matter of life or death…for some. Here are 10 signs you’re taking your sport a little too seriously.

 

  1. You celebrate like it is the World Cup

There is really nothing life-changing about lobbing the volleyball over the net for a point. If you find yourself doing a knee slide in Kenyon, or tearing your shirt off and roaring like an unbridled Charizard after a mediocre moment, it’s time to self-reflect.

 

  1. You attempt to hold team practice

The entire point of intramurals is to be able to just play without having to train, but you just don’t seem to get that. Instead, you go to the AFC with cones and a stopwatch, hoping to improve your team’s full court sprint times by 4/10ths of a second.

 

  1. You wear a captain’s armband to the games

People playing on your team for the first time think you are wearing it ironically, but your teammates know better. They are aware that receiving emails from Imleagues.com addressed to “Captains” has made you feel like Tom Brady playing in the Super Bowl.

 

  1. You spend hours online customizing team uniforms

Even the first timed you joked with your teammates about how “sick” it would be to get team gear, they only sort of laughed. Still, you keep bringing it up, and stay up every night designing practice kits, home and away jerseys, and custom socks.

 

  1. You injure other players

The first time that you spiked a ball into a kid’s face and gave him a bloody nose, people thought it was bad luck. But now it seems that every game you are involved in collisions or clashes that leave other players or yourself out for the count. EMS begins to double their personnel on call during your games.

 

  1. You heckle the scorekeepers and refs

The student employment office is having a hard time finding students willing to staff your games. This is because every week you shout at your peers working the games claiming they “Don’t understand what a foul is,” or “Obviously never played the sport.”

 

  1. You start skipping class to train for your sport

You transitioned from “student who played varsity sports in high school” to full-blown athlete, cruising past the “student-athlete” stage. It starts with skipping Italian for wind sprints, and ends with you trying to explain to the Administration how Intramural Badminton is definitely worth a total of 2.5 academic credits, and, in fact, you’re going to major in it. No ifs, ands or buts about it.

  1. You create a Fantasy Intramural League

Now you can be a huge dick even when you aren’t on the field! Better yet, it gives you an excuse to track absurd stats such as “total touches” and “movements off the ball” even for the other team. Of course, you would draft yourself in the first round.

 

  1. You begin requesting monetary contracts from Vassar

Hinting that Union has a strong Intramural program, you insist that Vassar free up some capital to keep you in Po-town. In a series of strongly worded emails, you make it clear that you need to be compensated for the prestige you bring the league, and to pay for your pre-ordered $380 uniform set.

 

  1. You come up with the top 10 signs that someone is going too hard in an intramural sport, but remain blind to the fact that at least 4 of them apply to you.

 

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