Problem? All this snow Solution? Move that shiz

When confronted with a problem, there is only one solution: run away. But what happens when that problem is everywhere you go? And no, I’m not talking about your regrettable hookup with the dude on the frisbee team. I’m talking about the snow that is lying in wait for you every time you leave the comfort of the wonderful, warm indoors. The snow is there to remind you: you are not in control, life is futile, and going to the Deece won’t be worth the two to five minutes of not being able to feel your face, body or soul.

I am currently working with Buildings and Grounds to try and reuse some of this latent snow to create not only a safer environment, but also a snow-free environment. This not only involves having students take snow into their rooms to act as DIY refrigerators, but also throwing it back into the air, shouting “NO GIVE BACKS!” to the sky in defiance. The second option involves a lot of planning, especially since gravity is working against us. We are devising a large crane that will pick up snow and deposit it back in the atmosphere where it belongs; it should be ready by June of 2043. Until then, though, you have to do it for a good four or five hours for it to have any impact, but honestly, it’s not like you have anything better to do with your time.

Another idea we are very proud of is a drive we are holding to pack and ship the snow to our family members as a gift for the Ides of March. “Et tu, [insert name here]?” they will ask as they open their soggy boxes appreciatively. We are encouraging students from Southern California to take an active interest in this drive, and we are discouraging those from the Boston area to participate. Those LA parents won’t know what hit them (yes they will, it’ll be a box of melted snow—let me have this one).

The snow that we are unable to ship to Los Angeles will hopefully be displaced to abandoned buildings throughout Po’Town. We’re hoping the ex-diner for singles in the area will be able to put away two tons of snow. And that’s not all—the deserted, haunted animal shelter looks like a very promising storage location for almost all the snow from Noyes Circle. The only problem there is the ghosts of euthanized dogs, cats and turtles that will have to find somewhere else to haunt. We are preemptively performing anti-ghost seances and Wiccan rituals every other day to ward off their spirits, and are hoping to increase the frequency of these to every 18 hours to keep the campus safe. But once the snow is excavated from Noyes Circle, turning the land the consistency of a 711 Coke slushie, we’ll finally know happiness.

We handed out pamphlets to all No Such Convention-ers, and asked some to take snow to their respective homes as a token of our gratitude and melting memorabilia for their unforgettable weekend here. Though they did not look very enthusiastic about our pleas, some kindly cosplayers took home a few trash bags of snow, as they understood that every little bit counts. Another plus for them and us is that when the snow melts you can use it to practice water-bending!

Something to watch out for on campus as the snow melts is ice. It exists. Though it’s easy for college students to fall on our tushies and put up no fight to the cocky ice, we must show resilience. When you see ice, do not panic! Please, dear Lord, don’t panic. Just pull out those ice skates we all carry around for these specific emergencies and glide over that ice patch like a boss. If you have trouble imagining how this would work, just think back to your Heelies phase. As my great aunt always says, “You never forget how to pwn on your Heelies, Lily. It’s like a 6th sense.” And you know what? She’s right. She’s so incredibly right.

If our plans fall into place, this campus should be snow-free and muddy by March 9. There will be a mudslide competition on the Quad that following Saturday, and everyone can sit back, relax and go for a nice dip in Sludge-set Lake. Please refrain from summoning the Snow Gods at that time, as this will be a celebration of the Mud Gods.

As we displace this inordinate amount of snow, we ask you to be patient and stop peeing in it, for the love of all that is holy. We do not want our volunteers to have to handle this contaminated snow, and as we all know, melted snow that has pee in it is essentially pee. Like, you can’t dilute that—it’s still pee. We do not want to be sliding around in dirt made wet by your drunken pee break. Thanks in advance.


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