7 Spring Break Locations for the Poughkeepsie Stuck

Wow, look at all this warm tropical snow still on campus. If we’re lucky, it’ll be gone by July. But don’t let the cold get you down. As the resident hermit of Vassar College who never goes anywhere ever, I’ve got you Vassar spring breakers covered with seven destinations. I’m pretty sure they’re all affordable, and only one or two may be hazardous to your health. Let’s do this.

 

  1. Sunset Lake

I know what you’re thinking: Um, where’s the warmth? I think we all know at this point that “warmth” is a social construct. Florida is “warm” and “humid” and “hot,” and I think we can all agree it’s an overall shitty state. Envision the warmth, and so it will be. The same could be said about romantic relationships. I don’t have a “relationship” in the societal eye, but tell that to my imaginary girlfriend, Fiona, and you’ll probably break her heart.

 

  1. Hurricane Grill’s Outdoor “Beach”

Sunset Lake not have enough sand for you? I get it, I get it. Nothing says spring break like the feeling of itchy, critter-infested sand between your toes and every ungodly crevice of your body. Luckily, the sand outside Hurricane is free for the taking if you can shovel it out. Working up a sweat will give you that socially-construced “warmth” you so crave. You’re welcome.

 

  1. The (New) McDonald’s on Main Street

Maybe you crave some distance from the campus. That’s reasonable, I guess, but times are tough and distance is most affordably achieved on foot. McDonald’s has free wifi, and the stench of “hamburgers” and “fries” will make you feel like you’re chilling at a cook-out. This is especially appealing for students who consider walking to Acrop and back “getting out” into Poughkeepsie. Look at you being cultured and shit.

 

  1. The Dentist’s Office

What’s spring break without a little intimacy? Well, for me it’s called the last 22 years of existence, but I’m guessing that’s not your situation. If you’re oppossed to an imaginary significant other, making an appointment with your dentist over break—as all college kids do—is the easiest way to make sure you’re getting some mouth action. Nothing is sexier than having someone root around in your cavities. Now, excuse me while I swoon.

 

  1. The Cloud 9 Hotel on Route 9

You and your lover are bound to need some privacy for a little loving session, and when your dentist turns you down, you can check into a room for one. Masturbating in a hotel room might seem icky, but hear me out: everyone has done it, and this way you’ll be able to leave your mark on someone else’s next lover’s getaway. Because the gift that keeps on giving is a questionable wet spot.

 

  1. Smokes 4 Less near Palace Dumplings

Now that you’ve had your carnal fill, nothing would be better than a pleasurable smoke. Smokes 4 Less offers a lounge for all your chain-smoking needs. Sit back, inhale the tar, choke a little on the sadness and claw away at some scratch-off tickets. Maybe you’ll get lucky and win big. Maybe not. At least you don’t have to worry about midterms.

 

  1. Your Campus/ Off-Campus Housing

Wow, you must be exhausted! It’s been a long week…or less-than 24 hours. But now you can head back home. Tired, sad, masked by cigarette smoke—you have successfully done spring break right! Or not. The point is you broke away from the campus. See? Staying on campus for two weeks isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you, not by a long shot. Now all that’s left to do is sit back in your bed and think about your unwritten thesis or your friends having “actual” fun.

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