- The Overpacker
This person manages the impressive feat of being annoying both before and during the trip. First, they expect help loading their bags, (which appear to be enough for a Mount Everest base camp) into the car. Then, their stuff takes up 75 percent of the trunk space. Don’t worry, though, it will be fine once everyone, including the driver, is holding at least one of their bags the duration of your trip!
- “Are we there yet?”
This has become such a cliche of road trips, that “Are we there yet?” people have taken to disguising their dumb questions in other words. Natural selection has driven them to make their territorial call, “About how much longer do we have?” or “What time do you estimate we will be there?” or “Can I take my seatbelt off now?” Respond “yes” to the last one, and then slam on the brakes.
- The Snoozer
Initially, it may not seem annoying, but as this person begins drooling over your shoulder and snoring like a congested bull dog, you start to think twice. When they miss the full car performance of Eminem’s “Real Slim Shady,” you start to wonder if you would have rather brought along a three-toed sloth. After all, a sloth would have taken up less space.
With this person on your trip, you get the added bonus of seeing the inside of every rest stop for miles en-route to your destination. About five gas station stops in you start having darker thoughts, like “Next time let’s not give them any fluids for three days before the trip.”
- The Battery Destroyer
Some people just have not learned to survive without an outlet, and when their phone, iPad, Google Glass and Kindle Fire have all bit the dust, their coping device is to whine about their lack of charge. Be careful about lending them your phone to “call home.” Soon they will be streaming the international ultimate frisbee final, and eating your popcorn to boot.
- DJ Garbage
From Tove Lo to Meghan Trainor, “All of Me” to “Hey Soul Sister,” DJ Garbage manages to ruin everything about the road trip. To avoid this musical disaster, try to diagnose who can responsibly wield the aux before departure day.
- The Man-spreader
Recently the Metropolitan Transportation Authority started cracking down on man-spreading within the subway, but an opportunistic man-spreader will claim MTA’s authority does not extend to cars. Typically this person will extend their feet into adjacent seats, mutter a “Sorry” that they don’t mean, and blatantly ignore your dirty looks.
- Dr. Swerve
Mario and Luigi are glad that their racing game is gaining popularity in the real world, the passengers of the car are not. This person acts like they are in a James Bond car chase scene every time a simple merge needs to be completed. Keep in mind that they can be just as defensive and violent as Mr. Bond if criticized.
- Stubborn & Lost
It is inevitable on any road trip that the travelling party will get lost. A stubborn lost person has a gene that prevents them from ever stopping to ask for help. Your party could be on the moon, and they would claim that they “had seen this road before” or “are very familiar with this crater.”