Eau de Vassar: a Spring Fragrance Line

Founder’s Day Flushed

Extremely floral in brightness and hoppy in taste, this addictive blend doubles as a drink and a gender-neutral perfume. Alcohol content: nine percent from the beer, 95 percent from the Everclear base. Combine with jungle juice to stimulate the oils.

 

Sunset Lake Mist

Fresh lake water is boiled together with raw sewage to spawn this pungent eau de toilette. Best worn at high noon, when the sun is at its hottest. To apply, pour contents over head and allow the chunks to settle into your skin. Bonus: 1/2500 bottles comes with its own snapping turtle.

 

Last Chance

This aroma—a desperate harmony of sexual frustration, insomnia and IPAs—is modeled after the natural body odor produced by the Stressed-Out Second Semester Senior.

 

Mug Night Musk

Sure to get your hormones raging, this fragrance is best described as Axe body spray watered down with a traumatic amount of genetalia sweat. Spritz generously in humid environments.

 

Monkey Show on the Quad

For the outdoorsy folk, this bouquet of flamboyant smoke is best worn at night, while shirtless. Bonus: Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch” roars at ear-shattering decibels every time you touch the bottle. Fire not included.

 

Late Night at the Loeb Aftershave

Perfect for all your evening needs, this baroque bottle contains a palette of aged cheddar, creamy feta and tuscan crackers. A thick paste, the aftershave must be smeared on your face and left to harden for the duration of your evening affair. The remains can be sculpted into any shape your heart desires.

 

Bell Ringing Blossom Bliss

To recreate one of Vassar’s oldest traditions in bottled form, colorful permanent markers were melted down and stewed together with sawdust and rust. Warning: can only be worn if you have a friend group.

 

Cappy’s Office Hour

Have you ever said to yourself, “Hey! I could totally pretend an awkward, short window of time is adequate for accomplishing anything?” For the time-insensitive, this rich concoction of mimosa-scented oils and stewed red roses stays on your skin for one whole hour.

 

Sex in the Orchard

Similar to the winter line’s Sex by an Open Fire and Standard Sex in Your Roommate’s Bed, the intensity of this scent increases with your arousal levels. Unlike the former two, however, Sex in the Orchard also reeks of wet grass and onlookers.

 

April Showers

Rain, one of nature’s beautiful fragrances, should be appreciated in all forms. In this fragrance, rainwater, puddles of mud and rain, the run-off from your illegally-parked car and moisture extracted from the fur fibers of every dog on Vassar’s campus join together in holy springtime matrimony. The dampness will stick with you all day!

 

Senior Week and Graduation Day Combo

The scent of this velvety cologne drags on for approximately nine days longer than necessary. Once the fragrance finally vanishes from your skin, liberally apply the sunscreen-infused body spray to your face and neck areas. Together, the olfactory experience culminates with a whiff of anticlimax.

 

Springtime at Vassar

Extracted from swampy ass cheeks splayed out in front of a fan. Wrapped in a daisy chain.

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