Ask Banner: Thesis Edition of The Misc’s “Weekly” “Advice” Column

Dear Banner,

I completed my thesis this week. Hooray, right? Not so much. I guess I didn’t plan on becoming so absorbed into the process of writing a thesis. Now that I’m free and ready to drink my body weight in vodka, all of my friends seem so busy. Some of them still have theses, which, it’s like, not my fault. Other people kinda just forgot I existed; they don’t even look my way when I’m walking through Sanders Classroom or popping wheelies on my scooter. I’m friendless, Banner. Like Stella, how can I get my groove back?


Riding Solo


Only One,

Congrats on finishing your thesis. I would applaud you, but you’re not worth one clap. Want your friends back? Never mention your thesis again.




Dear Banner,

Does my thesis really need a title? That’s not a trick question. Thinking of a proper title for this 40-page piece of shit is like giving birth to a St. Bernard. It was a horrible idea going into it, but now that I have the damn thing I’m not only supposed to claim it but name it too? What makes an adequate title, Banner (yes, “adequate.” I’m not trying to act like this “thesis” is something it’s not), and for that matter, what are words, Banner? What are letters and language?




Dear Gibberish,

You are correct—coming up with titles is a difficult part in any writing process. Follow my format: “Punchy Two-Word Phrase: String of Pretentious Words Including ‘Theory’ and  ‘Discourse’ or ‘a Deconstruction of.”




Dear Banner,

I think I’m losing my mind. Er, maybe it’s already gone. I don’t sleep anymore, and if I manage to catch the tiniest nap it’s during daylight hours when I should theoretically be a person. The thesis will get done, I keep telling myself, but is it true? I feel like in my search for the light at the end of tunnel all I see are the fiery pits of Hell. I’m asking for comfort, Banner. I need some reassurance that I can finish my thesis, that I didn’t spend the better half of my senior year wasting away in the library for nothing, that, at the end of the day, when I have a degree, I will be a whole person again.

Warmly Yours,




It’ll get done, but you will forever be a fractured being. At least you’ll have a degree.




Dear Banner,

I’ll preface my question with this: I am in a privileged position. Obligatory checking of privilege out of the way, I come to you because my friends are all working on their theses—Haha, losers!—and I’m left wondering what to do with my life. Though I could join them in the library to work on a Moodle post, it seems silly to enter that space when I could lounge around in bed and watch random documentaries on Netflix instead. I feel lonely in my TA now, just playing NHL 09 on my XBox. Any advice on how to fill my time?





Look at all the fucks I give:





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