~Beyond Basic~: 10 original activities to fill your spring

1.Never shut the fuck up about how nice it is out

The first step to enjoying warm weather is to tell everyone that you are enjoying it. This provides key material for smalltalk with professors and past hookups. If either of these parties tries to steer the conversation into dangerous waters like your grades on recent problem sets or the 4 am texts you have been sending them, just forcefully bring up how nice the weather is to placate them.

 

2.Wear socks and sandals

Roll into your classes and parties in style with this staple of the spring collection, technicolor socks crammed into your flip flops. You’ll get respect from your hipster classmates who think you are wearing them ironically, and people will look up to you as an old person who just doesn’t give a fuck. It also conveniently gives you the chance to wear sandals without revealing your hideous, misshapen feet.

 

3.Play frisbee very seriously

Frisbee is the Hallmark card of college quad experiences. In fact, when I visited Brown, I saw a kid run into a tree while chasing a “the disc”. To truly embrace the spirit of frisbee, you have to take it as seriously as the tree kid. If anyone thinks you are playing it for fun, promptly body slam them onto the quad. Frisbee is not a game.

 

4.Ask your professors to have class outside.

Contrary to popular belief, this middle school tactic is actually encouraged at the collegiate level. All of your professors will be delighted to move their lessons outside if you are just willing to raise your hand in a lecture and ask. Your classmates will be impressed by your courage and charisma.

 

5.Show at least 90% of your thighs at all times.

This spring, hearken back to the ancient proverb “Sky’s out thighs out” and follow it religiously. Even if you are as pale as a piece of printer paper, display your pasty palate with pride. Wear unapologetically short shorts to everything, including (but not limited to) Cappy’s Office Hours, Career Development workshops, and department sponsored lectures.

 

6.Bring your mattress and desk out to the quad

If you want to truly immerse yourself in the outdoors, transport your desk, mattress, and fridge out onto the quad and spend a week there. Seniors cite this tradition as one that must be completed before graduation. Adjusting to life outside of a dorm can be challenging, and many English majors use this week as a way to practice for their future after Vassar.

 

7.Wear obnoxious sunglasses

From April to October, you should never take off your sunglasses. Wear them in the shower, at night, and in your lectures. Only take them off to switch to a pair that better matches your socks with sandals or inch-long shorts. Remember, the goal is to look like either Morpheus from the Matrix or Cyclops from X-men, depending on your style.

 

 8.Mud wrestle in campus puddles

April showers bring big puddles, and rather than walking around them, why not put on an old pair of jeans and wrestle the fuck out of your arch nemesis in front of the whole campus? This is a great opportunity to assert dominance, and also foster unity, as the crowd roars and you struggle with a classmate like a pair of feral animals.

 

 9.Plow the campus lawns to plant crops

Reduce your eating expenditures for next semester by plowing a section of Noyes circle. Whether you are looking to grow soy to fit your vegan needs, or harvest potted pot plants, go green this spring for a plentiful harvest next fall. Watch out for Vassar’s scorched earth policy, though; Administration often burns and salts the fields to encourage students buy bigger meal plans.

 

 10.Go for a refreshing dip in Sunset Lake

Take the plunge into the lake this spring and put your Darwinian survival mechanisms to the test. Expose your body to up to 40 different strains of E. Coli to test your immune system, try out your fight and flight abilities when confronted with vicious snapping turtles and freshwater sharks, or study the behavior of your fellow swimmers as they swim in the festering waters.

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