Clinton anounces candidacy for Main House President

Hillary Clinton has recently announced that she will be running for Main House President for 2015-16. In a six-second post on Vine, Mrs. Clinton proclaimed that she will in fact be looking to lead the house team of Vassar College’s largest dorm. That was all she really had time to say, however, and this left many of her Twitter followers scrambling for answers to a whole host of questions. Some of the most poignant and recurring questions were, “Where is Bill going to live?”, “When can we get non-diseased Sabra Hummus back in the retreat?”, and “What can we do about the fact that the toilets in Main sit about 8 inches off the ground?”

Following these clamoring requests and many others, Mrs. Clinton released an official statement within the Vassar College Main House Facebook group. Her statement read as follows:

“Fellow residents of Main Haus, It is my pleasure to announce that I shall be running for Main House President next year. I am an individual dedicated to further improving the quality of Main, and I recognize that even though it is my favorite dorm on campus, there is much work to be done. I shall be as dutiful and loyal as a golden retriever to this dorm, with the same color hair to boot ;).

I have spoken to Bill and he is thrilled by the prospects of us living in Main for the next year, and even more thrilled to potentially be the first “first man.” Your vote pending, I am so excited to be Vassar’s first female house president in the institution’s history. Living in the Main House, I will look to serve your immediate needs, and even look beyond our campus to D.C. (Dutchess County) as a whole. Vote for Hilldog, dawg!”

I was lucky enough to have a chance to speak to Mrs. Clinton about some of the motives behind her campaign and what she wants to do for the community in this coming year. In an intimate setting on the cloudy side at the deece, Mrs. Clinton and I choked down some coffee while Bill was playing Angry Birds on her Kindle Fire.

Mrs. Clinton told me all about her new policy and I found that a recurring word in her policy descriptions was opacity. “My goal is to continue the lovely tradition set up by Vassar, and all bureaucratic institutions around this country, of opacity,” said Clinton, giving Bill a dirty look as he leaned his chair back on two legs. “Vassar College Administration is all about being opaque to the student body, and I will be the next stepping stone on the path of confusion and misunderstanding.”

Clinton further explained that she would complete this work by sending infrequent and vague emails to the House using gilded language to skate around systemic problems. At this point in the interview, Bill spilled his hot chocolate everywhere, and everyone was pretty distracted through the rest of the time, but Mrs. Clinton did manage to leave a very forgettable impression.

Mrs. Clinton’s campaign has not come without doubters, including those who point out that she is not, in fact, even close to the first female house president. Yik Yak has been ablaze with people criticizing her campaign, and even her lifestyle. One frustrated app user asked,

“Since this entire election system is just a popularity contest, how do we know that Hilldog is cool? Who does she smoke with? What intramural sport does she even play?” Another user wondered, “If Hilldog wants a single so bad, why doesn’t she just dump Bill?” Apparently, Mrs. Clinton is very receptive to Yik Yak, since on the morning of April 20 she sent out a simple tweet believed to be a response to the above anonymous snippets. This was the tweet.

“@who_let_Hilldawg_out: My marital status or perceived desire for the best room in Main has nothing to do my decision to run. Hope everyone enjoys their 4/20.”

Clinton thinking that she is running for first female Main House president in Vassar history is worth much discussion. If you want to contact Main house team, ResLife or the V.S.A. about any questions, comments or responses to these events or this article, I wish you luck in finding out how to do so.

Update: Hillary has lost the election, and more importantly, her single. Sources say she is already working on her next campaign slogan, advancing from “Are You Ready For Hillary?” to “This Time, America, I’ll Be Bulletproof.”

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