Just don’t do it: The Misc’s guide to not working out

I hate working out. I understand why peo­ple do it, of course. It makes you feel strong, sweaty and smelly, which are all great reasons to do things. And you’re right, I’m not going to be young forever. However, there’s always been something about going to a building that houses machines on which you run nowhere or sit and push some heavy things around with your various appendag­es that seems like it would make me have an existential crisis constantly.

This is not something easily explained to people, though. So instead of going into grotesque detail about the dread that enters me every time I run on a treadmill, I came up with these fun excuses instead! Feel free to use them on your friends and family, but try to stay healthy, blah blah blah PSA about health go eat an apple!

My health teacher in 11th grade told me that sweat is actually your blood leaving your body. So apparently the more you sweat, the closer you are to death. Person­ally, I want to live forever, and in order to do so I need to sweat and work out less than the normal person, or not at all if I can help it.

In order to work out it is a custom that people change into special attire. Now, I’m no Lazy Lois, so I’m not opposed to this concept of “changing.” However, I have no­ticed that all workout clothes have these offensive and distasteful slogans written on them.

“Just do it?” Do what? If you are going to be this demanding of me, T-shirt, then at least specify what you want me to do so I can ignore you harder.

“William McKinley High School Cross Country Team?” What am I supposed to do about that? Congratulate the T-shirt? I think it’s being a little braggy if you ask me.

“Gym Staff?” Come on, we all know that no one actually works at gyms. They are operated by the machinery, who come to life once everyone has left. That machine that helps you pick up heavy things and put them back down? At night, it transforms into a fully fledged Transformer, which sends absurd emails with [In-The-Pink] as the subject.

My pediatrician keeps telling me that I need to stop watching daytime talk shows, and those things are ubiquitous in every gym I’ve ever driven by. Even if there are no TVs inside Vassar’s gym, I anticipate getting so anxious that I would start acting “The Wendy Williams Show” out loud while I’m on that machine where you lift weights with your body.

Also, Dr. Phil is on at the gym almost every afternoon, which is absurd, because if I wanted to fix my problems, I certainly would not be at the gym.

The ability to check my credit score, an activity of vital importance, is severely di­minished while working out. According to my cousin’s ex-statistician, the probability that the Wi-Fi in the gym blocks CreditKar­ma.com is astronomically high. I don’t know too much about space, but she assures me that this it is indeed rather large. Person­ally, I need to check my credit score on a bi-hourly basis (to prevent fraud and assess my chances of obtaining a mortgage or a rich husband), and taking three hours out of my day to participate in gym activities would really affect how much I am able to monitor my score.

Hopefully these legitimate reasons will help you avoid awkward and unhealthy so­cial interaction and sweating at the gym. Remember, people will only believe you if you believe them yourself, so practice your lines constantly and one day you will be an expert gym-dodger like me. Hit me up and we can go eat some Deece-za and discuss the latest episode of “Wendy Williams.”

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