The next five years of your life plotted in Yelp reviews

Your First Apartment

2.5/5 stars

A little cramped, but gets the job done. Perfect for hosting approximately three quarters of one friend. The stove works only occasionally, about every three days a week and for maybe 30 minutes at a time, to be exact. But, hey, it’s only 15 minutes from the city, if that’s your thing. Totally un-robbable, as it’s on the seventh floor of a nine-floor walk-up. And the landlord, Felix, who is also my roommate, sometimes offers up his cocaine. Not the worst.

 

Employment

3/5 stars

OK, so you were an art history major, and it’s an entry-level position at a staple-making factory, but hear me out! The fluorescent lighting is to die for, and you’re literally never without someone breathing down your neck! It helps that they pay you on a regular basis, so you no longer have to bathe feral kitties in your neighborhood for petty change! Forty hours a week for just enough to pay rent and live on hot dogs and Kraft American singles? Yes, please!

 

Dating and Sex Life

1.5/5

Normally not my scene, but I thought I’d break out of my shell and try a one-night stand. Uh, BAD DECISION! Service was mediocre at best, and that’s me being generous!!! It took forever before we got to the main course, which left me unsastified and alarmingly cold. Don’t even get me started on the spillage. The only reason I’m not slapping a one star on this baby is because I GUESS it was nice to lay in bed next to someone else. MAYBE. 3/10 would probably do again.

 

Drinks with Friends

5/5 stars

All of my friends refuse to meet up at any place that does not serve alcohol. Because they’re smart. Had a friend who suggested we get coffee instead of drinks once. HAD! LOL!!! A little tip from a drinking veteran: the quicker you down your booze, the less likely you are to think about how much you want to cry.

 

Checking Account

0.5/5 stars

 

Rock Bottom

4/5 stars

So, I went in thinking I wasn’t the type of person for this, or you know, this could never be me. But son of a gun, it happened! How amazing it is to completely lose control of your life! So freedom! Much carefree!

 

Visting Home

3/5 stars

Sometimes all you want is that hometown nostalgia, and man does this place really deliver! If you ever felt the need to relive the sensation of hiding from the world beneath your covers and eating soggy cereal for dinner, then this place is a must! Gets kinda crowded though (lots of personal demons, lol), so I’d say check it out once a year.

 

Trying to Settle Down

4.5/5 stars

Maybe I’m a bit biased, but I met someone here =) And I think they’re the one. We locked eyes across the napkin dispenser. We hit it off so fast that I barely noticed how emotionally damaged they were, and they clearly know nothing about my casual drug use.

 

Balancing Finances

4.5/5 stars

Cooking for ourselves has become a staple for my friend group. We love it so much we literally do it five out of seven weeknights because our broke asses love to splurge on weekend brunches. The last time we had this, my partner and I shared a big succulent bowl of creamed corn and chicken nuggets. That’s right—the ones that look like little dinosaurs! The creamed corn was served at a delcious lukewarm temperature, and the nuggets only contained two hard bits! We can’t get enough!

 

Moving in Together

3.5/5 stars

No reservations needed. Just show up unannounced with your shit and you’ll be fine! No regrets guaranteed.

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