We gather here today to remember the late Humor and Satire editor Chris Gonzalez, who was consumed by his thesis on May 4th, 2015 in the Miscellany News’ office. The offending document, which had allegedly been bullying him for months both online and in paper, has been sentenced to the shredder, and will be removed from Google drive as well. The piece was detained before it could reach, and also attack, Chris’ senior thesis advisor.
But enough about the thesis, who was Chris, the man behind the Misc’s “Weekly” “Advice” Column? Chris as an editor was a charming and comical young man before his untimely consumption. “He just was really funny,” said a distraught Zander Bashaw, wiping one bloody tear from the corner of his eye. “Chris was the kind of guy that could email me a monosyllabic response to my article proposal, and just make it all seem so easy.”
As the Humor editor, Chris was mostly funny, but his later articles began to be laced with some darker jokes. These pieces provide an important window into Chris’ troubled relationship with his thesis. In an article detailing the struggles of emailing an advisor, Chris wrote “Why did I decide to do this?”. Reading between the lines of this piece, he seems to be, for some reason troubled by a 215 page undertaking. Further on in the piece is perhaps the most disturbing and illuminating excerpt. Chris wrote “I are thesis”. This simple, grammatically incorrect fragment that survived copy editing serves as a great insight into his mind. As early as February, he was conflating his own existence with that of the thesis. It was as if Chris was pouring his own being into the pages of that cursed document, and as it grew stronger, he grew weaker, only to be devoured completely on that fateful May day.
Chris’ behavior also began to deteriorate towards his final weeks with the Misc. Oftentimes he was seen lying facedown on the floor of the Rose Parlor, or else on the quad, covered in scraps of paper, or Retreatza crust. So how come nobody saw what was going on and destroyed the thesis that drove our vivacious and beloved editor to such a place? Well, first of all, seeing as Chris wrote for the Humor section, his subconscious insecurities were merely mistaken for witty self deprecation. This is a problem in general with writers: we are so misunderstood. Also, since it has become warm, motionless food and homework laden figures upon the quad are quite common, and nothing to call the Campus Response Center about.
Chris is survived by rising humor editor, Zander Bashaw, who was sworn into office in the Deece minutes after the news broke that Chris had been eaten. Zander inherits control of the page, and all of Chris’ unused jokes and ideas, and promises to take the role extremely seriously.
So far, there has been no reason to suspect foul play in the consumption, after all, Chris was alone with his thesis in the room when people in the College Center heard the colossal document roar “FEED ME SEYMOUR!” It should be noted, however, that Zander, the very man who stood the most to gain from Chris’ disappearance, was the last known person to have seen Chris alive. That fateful day marked the final day of Zander’s editorial training. Did he perhaps feel that after this he no longer needed Chris around? Was he so eager for power that he set a booby trap for Chris to fall into the clutches of his thesis? We at the Misc think there is certainly something funny about this Alexander Bashaw, who operates under the bizarre “Zander” pseudonym.
Zander profusely denies any involvement in the event, continuing to appear devastated by the news, and crying blood whenever he is asked about it. However, just the other day, a banana peel was discovered in the corner where Chris’ massive thesis was detained on Sunday. When asked quite bluntly if he had planted it there, Zander said “There are all kinds of stale comfort foods in the Misc office. I can’t believe people actually suspect that I made a Tom and Jerry-esque trap for my former editor.”
The jury is still out on whether or not Chris was brought to his end by a crude, cruel slapstick joke, but regardless he will forever be remembered for his excellent contributions to the Miscellany News. Chris lost himself among the pages that he so loved to work on, and will forever shine out as a beacon of hope for all of us miscunderstood writers.
–The Staff obituary represents the feelings of at least 3/2 of our Editorial Board