Just below the limit: how to forget your Founder’s Day

For most first years entering Founder’s Day, very little is understood about the day. Here are some important tips to survive the day with most of your teeth, and some of your dignity

 

  1. Stay away from your professors

If you see one of your professors on Founder’s Day, LEAVE THEM ALONE. Avoid them the same way you avoid their eye contact in class when you haven’t done the reading. In all your drunken revelry, I guarantee that you will not be in any condition to challenge your professor about that B+ they gave you on that last project. So if you see your professor during the festivities, run (or at least stagger) in the opposite direction.

 

  1. Drink fluids

I mean fluids other than beer. Or vodka, tequila, whiskey, hard cider, wine, wine coolers… just drink some water some point, okay?

 

  1. Don’t beg the food-truck people for food

Just because it’s Founder’s Day and you get to stumble around wearing only a crop-top and a metallic speedo does not mean that the rest of the world has deteriorated into bacchanalian wasteland that works on the barter system. Besides, what the hell would you even trade with? That half-full beer can in your hand? Your charming personality?

 

  1. Don’t try to crowd surf

Please, just don’t do it. Humans are heavy. I’m probably going to drop you. Besides, the slice of Bacio’s pizza I have in my hand takes precedence over your shitty, sweaty body.

 

5.Take a nap

No one is going to blame you if you decide to catch a few z’s in the middle of Founder’s Day. Hopefully you will be in a bed. Hopefully you will be in your bed. Passing out on the grass in the middle of the quad does not count as a nap.

 

  1. Relax

Seriously, chill. Don’t worry about that psych paper; it will still be there tomorrow. However, the chance to be more plastered than a piece of drywall before noon with minimal judgment only comes once a year.

 

  1. Don’t hole yourself up in the library

Please please please don’t condemn yourself to doing homework in the library on Founder’s Day. I totally understand that not everyone is into drinking, and that’s cool! But Founder’s Day should be a day of relaxation, whether or not you choose to get sloppy. I swear to God if I see you in the library, I will personally come get you.

 

  1. Avoid getting on stage:

Slow Magic does not need your vocal skills and Le Youth does not need any back up dancers. Just stay in the audience and awkwardly sway–either from the drink or the music–like the rest of us.

 

  1. Pace yourself with the shots

Founder’s day is a drunken marathon, not a sprint. You don’t want to go so hard in the first couple of hours that you’re too drunk to enjoy the rest of the day. That’s like going to Olive Garden and eating too many of the unlimited breadsticks before they bring out the entrée (I speak from experience and still have yet to learn).

 

  1. Don’t ask alumni to buy you alcohol

That’s pretty pathetic; have some dignity.

 

  1. Don’t ask alumni’s kids to ask their parents to buy you alcohol

This is next level creepy; hopefully during this academic year you have developed some loose understanding of boundaries.

 

  1. Don’t laugh at other people’s pain

If you see some poor soul attempting to hit on the Matthew Vassar statue, or some random dude face down in a womp-womp hole, don’t laugh. A few more shots and that could be you. Maybe a couple of shots ago that was you. Regardless, you are in no position to judge.

 

  1. Don’t be an asshole

This is a tip for life in general, but is especially important during Founder’s day. Don’t charge 80 dollars in food on an abandoned V-Card you found by sunset lake. Everyone will have a much better time if they aren’t constantly thinking about how they want to punch you in the throat. It’s pretty simple, just don’t be yourself.

 

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