“Hey Lily! How was your summer? What did you do?” Ok, I hate those questions already. For most people, the answer is quite simple. They usually went on vacation to some dinky place like St. Barths, or Fiji, or Dayton, Ohio. Other people did prestigious and forgettable internships. These overachievers worked as media interns at Bing, or got coffee for executives at Starbucks’ corporate headquarters, or got coffee for bosses in their offices. Perhaps they wrote online articles that no one ever read. I relate to those last people the most. I write for the Misc! I bet you ten whole dollars that the only people that will read this article will be my mom and dad (hi guys).
However, this summer was more complicated for me. No, I didn’t have a job. I didn’t work for anyBODY or anyTHING, in fact (except for myself, of course). Please stop asking me if I spent all summer on the couch. Just because I made a Snap story of my dog every day doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything! No! Just because all my tweets were me recounting my stress dreams about clown zombies doesn’t mean I didn’t also make a lot of really funny inside jokes with my group of close (celebrity) friends. Because I did. I made a lot of hilarious inside jokes, trust me.
This summer I became America’s next sweetheart. My album “1989” is now five times platinum, whatever that means. Is that somehow better than gold? I’m pretty sure it is–how impressive of me. Because I am so popular around the world, I launched an extremely successful summer tour and sang to sold out stadiums across these United States of America.
During this tour, I brought all of my many important and beautiful female colleagues on stage to help me celebrate the power of Female Friendship. Those words are in capitals because they are so important to me. I had my best friend in the whole world, Cara Delevingne, come on stage (for those of you who did not know, I’m very close friends with Cara Delevigne, although I still don’t know what she does or how to pronounce her last name). I also had my other best friend in the whole world join me on stage, Selena Gomez (I mainly just ask her questions about “Wizards of Waverly Place”).
Then, Lisa Kudrow asked if she could join and I let her sing a song about a cat that was on some TV show in the ‘90s. But don’t worry, I did it ironically. Also, a bunch of other people you’ve never heard of came, too. It was pretty radical and people ate it up with one of those big spoons people use to toss salads.
I got this great boyfriend, and we took a lot of pictures together on Instagram. I’m pretty sure he’s also a musician and his name is probably something like Steve? I can’t remember- I was too busy basking in the aura of all my female friendships. It wasn’t all female-on-female support, though. I did get into a Twitter war with the Nicki Minaj because my publicist told me I had to stir up some drama. I had no idea what I was doing, and got totally wrecked. Miley Cyrus co-opted that feud, though, after I apologized and America forgave me for my ignorance and promised to love me again. Nicki and I are best friends in the whole world, now, by the way. We performed at the VMAs together and it was not forced at all
In case you didn’t think I did enough this summer, I just thought you ought to know I also starred in the highly successful blockbuster film “Jurassic World”. I was the one who found Rachel Dolezal’s parents and exposed her as an imposter to the whole country. And I was waiting to reveal this on Ellen, but I’ll tell my dedicated Misc readers (hi again, mom and dad) that I am Amy Schumer’s ghost writer. That’s right. I write all of her stand-up, I wrote “Trainwreck”, and I am actually the only one who is best friends in the whole world with Jennifer Lawrence.
I have been Hanna Montana-ing all over the place! They say that behind every great man, there is an even greater woman. This is partly true except it’s not just men and every single one of those great women is me. So yeah, I’d say my summer went fairly well. I did not, according to popular belief, re-watch all of “Toddlers in Tiaras” and make a butt dent in my couch. No, that was my evil twin. Definitely NOT me.