The Misc presents the first ever Deece monologues

Ok I have to try really hard to not make eye contact with anyone. I should have picked out a table first, someone’s probably going to ram right into me and make me spill my ques­tionable meat-ish, food-type product and my questionable rice-ish, food-type product onto my brand new shirt-ish, cloth-type product from Target. I really should do my laundry instead of getting my friends to drive me to Target so I can buy new clothes. Target is not college fashion. It’s middle school fashion.

Right I have to get a table. I really don’t want to sit at a tall table but those are the only ones open. I hate tall tables so much. My legs dan­gle down like limp deece spaghetti. When was the last time the deece had spaghetti, anyway? Ugh, fine I will sit at a tall table. I will just never get up once I sit down because it’s impossible to push those chairs out without cracking your skull open.

Before I officially sit down I should make sure I have everything I need. Fork? Check. Knife? Check. Spoon? I don’t need one but I got one just in case I want to use it to drink my coffee. Coffee? Yes I have coffee and water to counter­act that so I don’t get the Coffee Poops and have to get out of my seat. I don’t actually think that works though, who told that to me? Probably Baldwin, they don’t know what they’re doing anyway. It seems like I have everything. There’s no going back now.

Crap. I forgot the mayo. I can’t get up now. These chairs are not designed to actually move. If I pushed the chair out then I would most likely fall over. If I tried to move the table all my “food” will fall off. But honestly I cannot eat this piece of deece-za without mayonnaise. I eat every­thing with mayonnaise. The only thing I don’t actively put mayo on in the deece is the cere­al! How can I eat that much mayo am I okay? Maybe I should get my cholesterol checked, is that what mayo affects? I am just a pile of mayo I don’t deserve to be loved.

I can’t do it I can’t go back I’m not getting mayo. Even if I was at a regular table I’d have to take my whole plate back and people will see me taking a full plate of food back into the deece and someone will yak about me again. I can’t take that level of scrutiny, my immune system is too weak. The deece brings out our weaknesses. I’m eating alone, dang it. I’d like for people to notice me as little as possible. No mayonnaise. I can handle it. I can do this I am strong. This meat-ish, food-type product won’t taste as deli­cious as usual, though. And my deece-za will be intolerable without my mayo crust.

Gonna check my phone now, so that people know I’m fine sitting by myself. Because yeah I’m totally fine I’m an independent woman. I don’t need anyone! All I need is Facebook and Twitter and hopefully some Netflix. Netflix and chill ha ha ha what a funny meme. Netflix and chili! Netflix and Skrillex.

Ok I’m gonna check Facebook first and see what embarrassing things people from my high school have gotten into lately. So many girls in sororities, jeez I went to Vassar to not have to deal with that. Greek life has always made me uncomfortable, especially because I’m not sure how historically accurate it is? What are the or­igins of Greek life? I better look that up. Wow there’s way too much info on this on Wikipedia I give up.

Those organizations are messed up, though, you can’t deny that, Wikipedia. Oh crap my phone died. Great. If I can’t stalk anyone on Facebook then what the heck is the point of be­ing at the deece by myself?? No Facebook, no mayonnaise, no POINT!

Thanks a lot, self, for forgetting to charge your phone. I really appreciate having it die in the middle of lunch. I should have brought my computer. If I had the foresight to not be a dum­my I would have texted someone earlier so they could deece with me, or I could have at least brought my computer as fricken backup. Now I’m basically forcing myself to do work. I could either read for history, do my German home­work or put my head down on the table and sur­render to the madness that is the Deece.

I don’t know why I thought I could do this myself, who do I think I am? I’m not indepen­dent. I’m not self-reliant. I’m just gonna take a nap now and hope someone wakes me up before the deece closes. I wonder if deece after dark is like Night at the Museum, where everything comes to life. Except that in the deece the only things that come alive are stale bread and some cantaloupe, not any beloved historical figures. Ok no I gotta get out of here fuck this.

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