Hipsters to leave behind mason jars, begin using Ziploc bags

During these last few weeks of summer, and at all times really, it is important to stay hydrated. For hipsters, picking the proper drinking vessel is just as vital as the water it holds. At Vassar College, a National Geograph­ic confirmed breeding ground for hipsters, the dialogue has been as clear as water. Water bottles, with their self-explanatory name and widespread usage, have never, and will never be an option for forward-thinking people.

The scene image is built on the foundation of independent thinking, doing things before they become cool and instagramming sharp­ie-labeled Polaroids. VC Hips, Vassar college’s VSA approved flock of hipsters, is an active group on campus. Until recently, one of the most universally accepted markings of a hip­ster was a glass jar in place of a water bottle or coffee mug. Variations included anything from mason jars to peanut butter jars to empty crude oil barrels.

The ingenuity was clear. These were recy­cled, serving a purpose other than their in­tended use, just like most things hipsters have “invented.” They also served as a way to ward off the accusation that ripped-jean clan care less about the environment than being “edgy.”

Unfortunately, the mainstream world has caught on to the trend, officially marking it as “cool.” Mason jars now sell for less than $10 from Target, you can even find mason jars packaged with a special straw lid. The glass jar has become a proper vessel for drinking, and therefore it can no longer be of use to the com­mon hipster. When faced with this earth-shat­tering adversity, the hipster community rose to the occasion and found a new way to drink their fruit-infused iced-tea kale quinoa fair-trade mineral water. Their new preference? Ziploc bags.

These advanced people provided us at the Miscellany News some insight into this de­cision in recent interviews. “It’s the perfect combination of out-of-the-jar thinking and crippling inconvenience.” declared Willo’wisp Banksy, class of two thousand and late. “Any­thing from pre-used sandwich bags to gal­lon freezer bags, for the thirstier hipster, can be filled with liquids,” he explained whilst hanging out in the retreat. In his hands was a quart-sized Ziplock bag of coffee with a straw punched into the side—sort of like a Capri sun, but way edgier.

Unfortunately, drinking ahead of the curve comes at a price. A Ziplock bag’s seal is too weak to seal in most liquid unless the bag is held upright. However, sacrifices like this are a small price to pay in the grand scheme of staying scene.

The impact of this new hipster trend is reaching beyond than just Vassar’s campus. In the far-off land of the Juliet School Store, My Market and the Dollar Store, there are re­ports of major increases in ziplock bag sales. Economically speaking, it is clear that when the Vassar student body decides to commit to inane trends, the entire community benefits.

Not everyone has been happy with these ideas. Johnny Football, class of 20TexasA&M, a Vassar athlete, told misc reporters that “[Hip­sters] are just being big plastic douchebags” as he ordered fifteen grilled chicken breasts at the Deece.

VC Hips has been working to combat the contentious nature between hipsters and athletes. At the latest meeting, spokesperson Qhloe Danksy (non numerical class year) explained the types of steps the org is taking to fix this. “We see a chance for unification of these two traditionally opposed factions. Maybe because athletes need lots of water and Gatorade, and we need to be stylish, we can show them the benefits of using plastic bags for those essential fluids.”

But what about the other essential fluids of college? Well, pouring vodka and cran-apple juice into a plastic bag certainly puts a new spin on being trashed.

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