Parents struggling to decide on children’s genetic future

In the ultra-competitive world of secondary ed­ucation, anxious parents are seeking new ways to shove their kids to the top of the academic food chain. However, it is often not enough that students learn three different instruments or be­come class president for them to be admitted to some of America’s most prestigious universities.

Thankfully, Stein’s Institute for Genetic Engi­neering and Pediatric Science may just have the perfect solution to the college admission crisis. Researchers at Stein’s were successful in geneti­cally molding the first prototye for a guaranteed child prodigy. Nicknamed Dolly in honor of the first ever cloned animal, the now three year old child has developed software for the FBI and can play Beethoven’s 9th with her eyes closed.

The 9th symphony might seem like a daunt­ing task, but the hard part was already finished in 2003 when the Human Genome Project was completed. Since scientists have discovered that the human genome is conveniently compartmen­talized in neat, little segments for every charac­ter trait, modifying the genome was a breeze.

“Everyone knows that your DNA is the genetic blueprint of your entire body and mind,” stated genetic engineer Toby Crawford. “All we did was erase Dolly’s blueprint and drew in all these cool improvements. It was like creating an online ava­tar for a MMORPG.”

Now backed by federal grants, Stein’s Institute has opened their doors to weary wealthy parents scrounging for ways to ensure that their child will become rich and successful. Numbers indicate that hordes of desperate parents have rushed to Stein’s Institute by the thousands to fulfill their lifelong dream of having perfect children.

“It’s such a relief!” exclaimed Mary Hazel, an expectant mother from a wealthy suburb. “Usu­ally it’s a random draw when it comes to children, but with Stein’s Institute of Genetic Engineering, I can hit the jackpot every time!”

Rather than modifying intelligence, other par­ents have voiced their wishes to transform their children into superstar athletes. “I just want my kids to grow up healthy and strong like Jerry Rice,” said Michael Farley, a father of two boys. “Our family loves watching football every Sun­day, and my dream is to send my sons to the NFL. They aren’t as good as the other kids, but with some gene-fixin’, I know they can make it big!”

Referencing just how eager their customers were to mess with their children’s DNA one head researcher said “It’s a bit unnerving, we had par­ents show us pictures of Einstein or Leonardo da Vinci and yell ‘Make him like that!’ to us.”

However, like all revolutionary ideas, Stein’s Institute’s practice of modifying the genetic makeup of these children raised some protest among doctors, parent support groups and, most notably, the bankrupt executives of the College Board.

“It’s just plain unethical!” claimed a disheveled David Coleman, the president of the perishing College Board corporation. “No organization should have that much power in determining a child’s future and make a profit out of it! As someone who has always had the best interests of our nation’s children in mind, I demand that the Stein Institute close its doors!”

Unfortunately for Coleman, colleges across the U.S. concurrently agreed that the need to have standardized testing is irrelevant when ev­eryone is a genius, and promptly cut their ties with College Board. Coleman and his co-workers are currently seeking other ways to make money off the ambitions of children.

Meanwhile, Stein’s Institute has recently en­countered several problems in trying to please the impractical demands of its customers. One parent reportedly brought her two year old daughter to Stein’s Institute and demanded that she walk on water. “Please, we’re dealing with hard science here,” stated an Engineer. “We’re scientists, not miracle-workers.”

Faced with the realization that they can’t turn their children into demigods, some parents have found it difficult choosing which talents to force­fully implant in their childrens’ DNA. “It’s too hard to decide how I want my son to grow up,” said one frustrated parent. “I want him to cure cancer, but I also want him to win an Olympic medal. Why can’t I have both?” Whether it’s fair or not, genetic modification may actually make the college admissions situation worse.

That’s right. Now, it’s not even enough that students become super-geniuses and cure can­cer for them to be admitted in America’s top colleges. As Helen Lovejoy from The Simpsons once said: “Won’t somebody please think of the children!”

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