Aries: March 21 to April 19
Good fortune will come on the 27th when the full moon rises. But not too good, so don’t get excited. You might get Oreos in your express lunch or anonymously complimented on Vassar Missed, but you’re not winning the lottery.
Taurus: April 20 to May 20
Try to find your inner peace this month. Your mother will make an unexpected visit soon as Venus sets into the aura of overbearing and crazy. Search for order in your life but expect your self worth to be shattered when she says you don’t wash your sheets often enough.
Gemini: May 21 to June 21
This is a great month for love. You and your crush will make non-accidental eye contact with as you cross paths. Start planning your wedding on the 18th when the constellation of delusion fully forms.
Cancer: June 22 to July 22
Stay on top of your work. Otherwise, you will slip into a polar Netflix vortex of procrastination when a new season of your favorite TV show is added. Embrace change and trust by sharing your account password with a friend.
Leo: July 23 to August 22
This month you will continue to bask in the glory of being the coolest Zodiac sign. You are in good company among Simba, Cecil, Aslan and the MGM Lion. Thank your parents for conceiving you a few weeks too late to be a Cancer.
Virgo: August 23 to September 22
You might sense conflict in your world as the Earth rotates into the season of pumpkin spice. Now that your birthday month is over, reality will set back in and you will realize you aren’t that special. Look for opportunities to feel great again by quickly spending all your birthday money on a lifetime supply of brown riding boots and cute mugs for fall drinks.
Libra: September 23 to October 22
Jupiter’s third moon is in line with Venus and Mars, signaling the Pope’s journey from Italy to America. Try to remember: it doesn’t matter how much your Catholic grandmother loves you, she loves the Pope more. Do not expect a call from her on your birthday for she will be glued to the TV to hear Pontifex Franny speak.
Scorpio: October 23 to November 21
On the 12th you will begin another unsuccessful diet. You will try going paleo, raw, gluten free, vegan, non-gmo, juice cleanse, no carb, no sugar, no flavor. After your weight loss attempts fail, blame your slow metabolism and cheer yourself up with comfort food, as Mercury dictates.
Sagittarius: November 22 to December 21
When Sagittarius crosses over Aries you will face a rough patch with a close friend. Try to understand the issue from her side and consult other friends about the argument. Make sure you only listen to the ones who say you are right, because of course YOU are.
Capricorn: December 22 to January 19
On the 15th Venus will be in the third house of Mars. The moons of Jupiter will rise into alignment and enter into the sun’s 11th house. Mars and Mercury will have simultaneous lunar and solar eclipses, signaling the changing of Earth’s tides. Pisces is in the Capricorn and Neptune departs until the next half-moon. Pluto is in the third trimester. Saturn goes deep into Uranus.
Aquarius: January 20 to February 18
You will have a big change in your personal finances this month. This will drastically affect your life and nothing will ever be the same (Drake). Will you have more or less money? Mars declines comment, but let’s just say the people at Bacio’s are planning a staff-wide cruise.
Pisces: February 19 to March 20
You will make a bad love choice on the night of the 11th, when Venus influences your mood (along with a few too many drinks). For the rest of the month you will find ways to gently reject your lover. Try not vomit when they text you, calling you their “lover”.
Womp Womp: March 2
Avoid seeing your shadow, avoid thinking about winter.