Today it is my task to discuss the Democratic Debate, according to Zander. Now, please take my word as law here, since I am an impartial third party. So impartial, in fact, that I did not even watch the debate. I read a lot of articles about it, though, and what is more impartial than for profit articles written on the internet.
First I googled “impartial articles on the democratic debate, please” and got some boring articles about who “won” and who “lost”. I needed to go further to get to articles I KNEW were impartial. How can you tell if an article is an imposter or not, you ask? There is only one requirement: the article must have gifs. So I refined my search to “articles on the democratic debate that are impartial and also have gifs, please.” Up popped some very impartial-looking articles from eonline.com (the highly regarded news site from the critically acclaimed E! channel) and nylon.com (love their fashion advice).
I checked out eonline.com first because it was the first result, and everyone knows that first is the liverwurst, which is the best type of sausage. I found some very humorous gifs that I’m probably pretty sure were completely accurate to the highly publicized event. There was a portion of the debate where Bernie Sanders conducted part of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, I’m assuming for the talent portion of the night.
Bernie and Hillary are best friends now, I saw them shaking hands in one gif. And THE Sheryl Crow sang the national anthem! Wow! Ok but this doesn’t really address what the candidates actually talked about… Hmm… maybe eonline.com didn’t watch the debate either, who knows. I can’t really blame them, there wasn’t really enough drama to keep them interested, which means it was probably a good idea that I didn’t watch it, either. Tell me beforehand that Lincoln Chafee pulls out Jim Webb’s hair during the debate and I’ll be a dedicated viewer.
The nylon.com article was probably my favorite, very impartially calling the debate “not at all crazypants”. Coming from a college sophomore who sometimes writes for her school paper, I could tell this article had a lot of potential already with its use of “crazypants.” Upon further inspection, however, these gifs were NOT from the debate. There was a gif from “Mean Girls” that was definitely not from the Democratic debate and a gif of Batman that I really wanted to believe was relevant, but apart from Bernie also having a weird voice, there were no connections.
This article actually had quotes from the debate, which was better. But instead of envisioning Anderson Cooper talking about marijuana, all I could see was Blair Waldorf’s smug face, because of the gif they used! Come on nylon.com you should know that Blair does not toke! She much prefers martinis or some other adult beverage.
Also, I know that Britney Spears did not vote for Glass-Steagall, but her gif has me thinking otherwise… Was Britney ever in the Senate? Probably, she had a pretty bad downward spiral, and the Senate is just another step down that path.
The biggest disappointment of my research excursion was an article by slate.com. The title was very promising, almost too promising, one might say: “The Democratic Debate Was Kind of Fun. Also, Aliens?” ALIENS? I should have known. In all the other articles I read, there was no mention of aliens, let alone gifs of aliens. Let me tell you, slate.com was pulling my leg, and I should have known. How could I be so naive? Aliens only exist in the X-files, Lily, ya dingus. After reading the entire article (which was about 4 paragraphs long), I realized not only was the part about aliens not even related to the Democratic debates, but there were not even gifs of evidence for aliens. I specifically searched for articles with gifs, I even said please. How hard is that to understand, Google? I’m taking my business elsewhere. Probably Yahoo or Bing!
To top off all these articles, I decided to watch some of the debate. For some reason, though, when I tried watching the clips from the debate I kept getting the Saturday Night Live sketch with Larry David and Alec Baldwin and some less-famous people pretending to be more-famous people. My preliminary conclusion from that video was that Bernie Sanders is a funny old man and Hillary Clinton has bug eyes. Also Alec Baldwin isn’t as handsome as he used to be. This concludes my highly educated and highly impartial analysis of the Democratic debates. I’m just glad I didn’t have to write anything about Donald Trump, if we’re being honest here.